Kerrie’s New Life “It’s never been better”
When Kerrie Loveless found God, not only was her mind and spirit renewed, but her body also. by LEE DUNSTAN
I grew up in a home where visible affection and love wasn’t often expressed openly. I knew I was loved by my parents, but remained very insecure. I didn’t have any self-confidence and was pretty mixed up. At age 18 I married, and by the age of 24 I had four children.
Although I really loved my children, I didn’t know how to show them in right ways. I wasn’t a gentle, sympathetic mother; rather, quite the opposite, and I knew I so often failed them. Even to myself, I seemed to be constantly yelling, and I recall being angry all the time: angry at everything—and everyone.
There was no peace in our home, nor much real happiness or laughter. If my husband and I weren’t fighting and yelling at one another, one of us was yelling at our kids. And we had a big dog, and even he seemed out of control a lot of the time. It was our private World War III. We were the neighbours from hell.
Inside, I felt only emptiness. I was always unhappy, with each new day just as bad as the one past. Nothing seemed good and life had no real meaning. Often, I would think: Why am I here? and What’s the purpose—and point—of living? Life was one big heartache.
And like so many people, there were times when I felt death would be so much better. But then I would think about my kids; I knew that wasn’t an option. I didn’t really want to die, I just didn’t like myself or my life.
Disappointment and hurt were my constant companions and life was a constant struggle. I swore constantly, and drank too much and too often. I also smoked a lot. As some consolation in my life, I also began to overeat and eventually became obese, topping out at 80 kg.
Worse, guilt plagued me. Guilt for failing at so much: the hurt I caused my husband and for failing to be a “good” wife; for not being able to give my children what they needed; and for being weak when I needed to be strong. Worthless was how I saw myself.
Not surprisingly my marriage was failing and, more than myself and my husband, it was hurting the children.
My poor kids were being punished for my attitude and my problems—things I didn’t know how to change or believe was even possible.
Then, after 15 years of marriage and three separations, I decided I couldn’t live like that anymore—none of us could. It was destroying us. There has to be something better for me and my children out there, I thought.
Finally, in the midst of a fourth separation, I decided divorce was preferable and this followed—step one in getting some order into my life.
I’d lived 33 years and still I had no idea what it was that I really needed, what was the missing ingredient. I was about to find out. It was God.
First, I came into contact with the local Seventh-day Adventist church when the pastor there counselled me during my divorce. Also, a neighbour, Chris—he was later to become my loving husband— invited me to attend church with him.
Between them they introduced me to the Bible and I began to study it enthusiastically.
Over a year the love God began to sink in. I learned about what Jesus has done for me—His life and death—and slowly He entwined my heart with His love. I couldn’t see Him, but I felt Him, inside. Slowly, also, for old habits die hard, He helped me to become more understanding and patient, a more caring and affectionate mother, and a stronger, more confident woman. He gave me this alien sense of caring for myself.
I quit smoking, shunned alcohol and adopted a more healthful lifestyle. Liking myself more and encouraged, I exercised and developed control over my diet. By looking after my body, eating healthfully and jogging, I shed 25 kg and now, at 37, I’m very fit, slim and healthy. In fact, I’ve twice run the Puffing Billy Great Train Race, up and down the Dandenongs.
I didn’t beat it, but I crossed the finishing line.
For these great changes in my life, physical, spiritual and emotional, I praise God. My husband of three years, I also accept as a beautiful gift from God. He’s been a great encourager, helping and loving both me and my children through some really tough times.
Now, in so distant a contrast to my earlier years, I’m a wife and a mother experiencing peace, harmony, happiness and love.
And whereas my children had once fought constantly with each other, were unable to communicate without yelling and were insecure, today they’re likewise experiencing positive change. They’re more confident, we sit at the dinner table over a meal and chat without the fears of a fight developing. Their school work has also dramatically improved.
Even though they, like myself, still battle with problems, we are learning that self-acceptance and real confidence come from knowing that, first of all, we’re loved by God.
It’s been so amazing to have experienced the miracle of God in my life. And I know it’s not necessarily saying a whole lot, but it’s never been better. I know God is the bond that ties us together and enriches our lives. It was Jesus who turned my life around, a life to which I will never return. Ever.
| This is an extract from August 2002
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