The Third Option
or fix it, says Nancy Rockey. She chose . . .
The morning mist reluctantly gives way to shafts of sunlight sneaking through a Cornwall sky. Across the rolling green meadows divided by hedgerows and dotted with fluffy sheep, the view toward the sea is breathtaking.
We are celebrating today, Ron and I, the anniversary of our meeting—November 30, 1964—far from here. We put our heads out the door, then dart back inside to enjoy another “cuppa” and a time of reminiscing and giving thanks.
We were unlikely partners from the moment we met. A Christian girl partnering with an ex-con would be foolhardy indeed, but we were drawn to each other like water to a sponge. He was needy; I was a helper and nurturer. I would help heal his pain and meet his needs, or so I thought.
All went well until our honeymoon, when I tried to be affectionate. “Leave me alone,” Ron shouted. “What did I marry? A slut?”
From that moment we went from unlikely to impossible. I snuggled close; he pushed me away. I distanced. He accused me of being cold, indifferent, uncaring.
Our first seven years were spent putting hubby through college, having two babies and four operations. The next five or six years were spent in the dream-come-true and agonising work of ministry. His work was all-important! I performed as he expected—the perfectly committed minister’s wife—and we grew further and further apart.
Divorce was imminent, so he decided to go to graduate school for a new career. He dragged me to his second class, and we plunged into school together. Little did we know that education (knowledge) would be God’s tool for our personal and marital transformation and for our calling in ministry.
In the past 20 years, we’ve learned valuable information for marital success and, thankfully, continue to experience our own growth and recovery.
stages of marriage
Marriage has five stages. The first is the dream world. During this time he/she is all you ever dreamed of and you picture a lifetime of ecstasy. This stage lasts a day, a week, or a year or two. The time is different for each couple.
Disillusionment comes next. Couples begin to question each other’s perfection and their ability to meet all their needs. This is not the way I thought it would be, and my mate is not who I thought he/she was.
Misery, the third stage, quickly follows. Some 75 per cent of couples who remain married live in this stage for the majority of their years together. They either adopt the put-up-and-shut-up attitude or live basically as married singles, sharing no thoughts and feelings.
Their misery is compounded by frequent angry outbursts or by punishing each other with silence and emotional distance, and the thought, My mate is not fixing my pain!
During the first part of this period couples often try to regain their dream world by buying a wished-for luxury or an extravagant gift for their partner. But repeating this time and again only leads to deeper disappointment and leaner bank accounts.
Awareness, stage four, needs to follow. But awareness requires personal examination—a look in the mirror rather than the partner-bashing done during the “misery” stage. Unfortunately, a crisis is often the impetus for change. But you are fortunate if you attain this stage, discovering and acknowledging your own personal character defects that resulted from unmet emotional needs and/or abuses received in your character-forming years.
This is a tedious and often painful process, but worth the effort. Not only does it pay personal dividends, but as you learn the truth about yourself and are willing to remove negative charges from memories and to share truth with your partner, you’ll develop an intimacy you hadn’t experienced before. Understanding replaces resentment.
This inevitably leads to stage five, acceptance. At this stage you and your partner choose to accept each other with no strings attached. Because you’ve learned to understand yourself, you begin to understand and accept others. This helps you place your partner’s happiness ahead of your own interests.
Selfishness assumes that your husband/ wife is responsible for the marital discord and your own unhappiness. Selflessness takes responsibility for your personal happiness and studies what will make your partner happy too.
If both husband and wife are willing to do the work of personal growth, your relationship can only improve. Acknowledging personal baggage brought into your marriage forces you (or your spouse) to take responsibility for part of the discord, rather than laying the full blame for misery on your mate. What a difference!
Even if your husband or wife isn’t willing to examine him/herself, if you do so, there will still be positive changes in your marriage. Often your reluctant partner will respond positively. After all, the relief of finally being out of the hot seat, not being blamed for everything negative in the marriage, will encourage personal changes in him/her, too.
As you examine yourself you will confront flaws that are not easy to face. However, only as you acknowledge the truth can you hope to make character changes that will take you from the unlovely toward the Christlike.
why we stayed together
Through the years, many people have asked Ron and me why we didn’t just divorce and end the agony. We’ve asked ourselves the same question. But even at our very worst, we believed we were “fixable.”
After yet another quarrel, we’d hold each other as we made up, and I’d picture the scene where we’d first met. Ron was in a courtroom on trial, seeking to be released after four years in prison. I was with a pastor and his wife who were friends, there to testify in Ron’s behalf.
Ron and I were both convinced that God had brought us together, and couldn’t fathom His allowing us to be torn apart. But, at that time, we didn’t have the tools to repair our damage, or the knowledge of personal baggage, so we had no idea how to help ourselves. The assistance we did find seemed to make no real difference in our pain. We were miserable.
God sent us the help we needed in the form of graduate school, and in the process of earning our degrees in family therapy we heard the strong call of God to channel our careers to be of benefit to others who hurt as we had hurt.
the third option
So, as we sit in the warmth of our celebration resort in the south of England, we focus on the rays of sun peeking through the sad grey clouds. It reminds us of the rays of hope our heavenly Father sent us in our darkest nights. How grateful we are that we took the third option—we chose to heal our personal pain, creating love, joy and peace in our marriage. We’re grateful for our calling to convince others that if you are teachable, you are fixable.
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