Healing Compassion

Go ahead— put yourself in someone else’s shoes, says Victor Parachin—it’ll make your day. And theirs.

A woman once wrote to columnist Ann Landers to recount the “best experience of my life,” which happened on a bus in New York City: “It was a cold, rainy night—and also my birthday. . . .”
“Having just moved from Phoenix to New York, I was feeling miserable, homesick and alone in the big city. I boarded a crowded bus at Columbus Circle. The only seat left was at the back, behind the other bored and cold commuters, next to an elderly man.”
Sitting down feeling dejected, she was surprised when the elderly man turned to her saying: “You look so sad. What’s wrong?”

Touched by the concern of this stranger, she poured out her heart and ended up sobbing. She ended her litany of woe saying: “I’m homesick and cold. It’s my birthday, and nobody cares!”
As her tears continued to flow, the entire bus became quiet. Then the man began to sing: “Happy birthday to you . . .” Several people joined him, until soon everyone on the bus was singing, “Happy birthday, dear . . . . Happy birthday to you.”
Applause and laughter erupted.
“I was showered with good wishes and warm smiles all the way to my stop at 72nd and Broadway. It was the best birthday present I’ve ever received,” the letter concluded.

There is a healing quality in compassion. This story of a lonely woman demonstrates that an act of compassion will soothe pain, heal hurt, ease fear, soften a blow and relieve anxiety. Our world always needs compassionate people—those who have an awareness of the suffering of others combined with the wish—and willingness—to relieve it.

That’s why the Bible challenges us to “be kind and compassionate to one another” (Ephesians 4:32). Hasidic Jews exhort: “Let a good man do good deeds with the same zeal that the evil man does bad ones.” But how?

First, you must develop empathy. To empathise means to identify with and understand another’s situation, feelings and motives. Compassion will have a healing quality only when accompanied by a deep empathy and profound sensitivity toward those whom we seek to assist.

Next, reach out to those who’ve slipped through the cracks of compassion. The people who hurt are those who’ve been forgotten or overlooked. Sensitise your eyes and ears and your heart to the needs of others.

Barbara Johnson, a writer from La Habra, California, every December for the past decade, has made hundreds of calls to grieving parents, having lost two of her four sons herself. Johnson knows that holidays are especially difficult for grievers. While many people are festive and joyous, overlooked are those who’ve lost loved ones to death. Using the records of a grief-counselling agency, she begins at 4.30 am (calling the East Coast from California) and works the phones until 10 or 11 each evening. Johnson does this day after day until Christmas, making some 500 calls. Her December phone bill averages $US5000.

When she calls, she identifies herself, tells the caller she knows it’s going to be a difficult holiday season, and then lets the grieving parents talk. At the end of the call, Johnson prays with the parents, imploring God to wrap them “in His comfort blanket of love during Christmas.”
Way to go!
Finally, in the face of anger, respond with a burst of tenderness. We can soften much of the world’s wrath by responding with compassion and tenderness. That was the way Francis of Assisi lived. He believed the purpose of his life was to be an instrument of peace: “Where there is hatred, let me sow love; where there is injury, pardon; where there is doubt, faith; where there is despair, hope; where there is darkness, light; and where there is sadness, joy,” was his prayer.

In her book Passionate Presence, Catherine Ingram tells of being with a close friend in a grocery store. As they snaked along the aisles, they became aware of a mother with a small boy going in the opposite direction passing them in each aisle. The mother barely noticed other customers because she was so furious with her child, who seemed intent on pulling items from the shelves. As the mother became more and more frustrated, she started to shout loudly at her son. Several aisles later, she’d progressed to shaking him by the arm.

At that point, Ingram’s friend spoke up. Ingram braced for a confrontation, because her friend was “a wonderful mother of three and founder of a progressive school . . . [she] had probably never in her life treated any child so harshly. I expected that my friend would give this woman a solid mother-to-mother talk about controlling herself and about the effect this kind of behaviour has on a child.”
Instead her friend said, “What a beautiful little boy. How old is he?” The woman answered cautiously, “He’s three.” Ingram’s friend went on to say how curious the boy seemed to be and how her own three children behaved in the grocery store, pulling things off shelves, so interested in all the wonderful colours and packages.
“He seems so bright and intelligent,” Ingram’s friend added.

By then the woman had the boy in her arms and a small smile came over her face. Gently brushing the hair out of his eyes, the mother said, “Yes. He’s very smart and curious, but sometimes he wears me out,” to which her friend responded: “They can do that; they’re so full of energy.”

As Ingram and her friend walked on, they could hear the mother speaking more kindly to the boy about getting home for dinner when she would make his favourite meal.

From her friend’s actions and words, Ingram learned an important lesson for living: “If you don’t need to prove that you are right or that someone else’s behaviour should be punished, you can better see your way to achieving harmony in any given situation.”
“My friend instinctively knew that reprimanding the mother in the grocery store might have incited her to greater rage—rage that might later have been directed at the child. Although there are times when it is necessary to stop someone physically from hurting another person, often it’s more helpful to show love and understanding to those lost in anger, allowing them to remember their own tenderness.”

As we go through our daily routines, let us, likewise, respond to the negative energies of other people with a burst of tenderness and compassion. That way we can bring healing to our small part of the world.

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