Romancing Your Marriage

Gordon Botting offers some simple tips on how to keep that spark in your marriage.

A husband purchased a glamorous, black evening dress for his wife, and a stylish suit for himself. Next, he ordered a stretch limo, complete with chauffeur for the following weekend. Sounds like a romantic time coming up? Well, not exactly.

This husband knew his wife loved garage sales. Throughout their marriage, she’d pour over the local newspaper selecting five to six homes to mine their cast-off treasures. So this particular weekend, just as she was about to rush out the door to visit her selection, he stopped her and, handing her a beautifully wrapped box, said: “Not so fast, Dear. Put this on! We’re going out.”

Before she knew it, she was sitting in the limo and cruising suburban backstreets. The driver took her to the first home she’d chosen. The chauffeur got out and opened the door. Before her were the card tables filled with nick-knacks. The glamorous couple stepped onto the stage.
Imagine!

And in case you’re wondering, it is a true story. And the best part—his wife couldn’t stop telling about her wonderful, creative husband for months.

Ideas like this breathe life into stale marital situations, but it’s the everyday aspects of marriage that make us real to our marital partners. Following are keys to a fulfilling marriage.

Maintain realistic expectations.
At both the conscious and unconscious level, younger couples generally expect the same things from their marriage. Older couples, after many years of marital harmony, will suddenly find themselves on two different sides of the fence, in an area of life they hadn’t explored together before. Along with the unspoken expectations are the silent rules such as: Hang all your clothes up before going to bed; Never speak about finances in public; Don’t talk about your feelings; and, Never parade your successes.
Their parents scripted these rules and roles for two decades before they began a home for themselves. Once a couple is aware of these models, they can discuss whether they want them to be part of their new script. Another aspect of false expectations is that a number of people marry for the wrong reason.

It may be to escape a dysfunctional home, to avoid personal loneliness or find fulfilment. Reality says that individuals get married to take care of their partners’ emotional needs. However, while being married doesn’t immediately erase personal pain, it can become a powerful asset in a healing process.

The tragic story of Prince Charles and Diana may have been avoided if they’d understood this principle. Robert Runcie, Archbishop of Canterbury, officiating at their marriage, said: “Here is the stuff of which fairytales are made—the prince and princess on their wedding day. But fairytales usually end at the point with the simple phrase, ‘They lived happily ever after.’ This may be because fairytales regard marriage as an anticlimax after the romance of courtship. This is not the Christian view. Our faith sees the wedding day not as a place of arrival, but the place where the adventure begins.”

Accept the other’s differences.
Men and women are biologically and psychologically quite different. Physically, women have relatively larger lungs and better connections between their brain’s two hemispheres, which gives them superior verbal skills. Men are stronger because of their large muscles, and usually think better in the abstract because of the separation of the grey matter. When it comes to relationships, men and women are quite dissimilar.

Females find identity through interaction with others while males find their sense of who they are by being separated or detached. Also, what we say about each other points out those everyday differences.

Men say women talk far too much, are not as assertive as they could be and rely too often on their emotions. Women complain that men just plain don’t listen, aren’t sensitive enough and certainly fail in doing their share of the housework.

A healthy marriage is the blending of two foreign cultures. From a practical point of view, both husband and wife can accomplish this if they remember these suggestions. Most wives will support their husband when their basic needs are met. This includes knowing she is number-one in her man’s life, having her feelings validated, being accepted unconditionally, being willing to listen to her without being distracted and a lot of hugs and verbal expressions of love.

The majority of men will love their wives if they feel admiration and appreciation for the things they do, if their space is respected when they’re feeling tension and stress, and if they also share their hobbies and recreational interests.

While you and I may want to mould the rest of the world and especially our partner into our own image, it’s important to acknowledge and accept differences.

Remain faithful no matter what.
Robertson McQuilkin was a successful college president and talk-show host in the US. However, after 42 years of marriage, his wife, Muriel, developed Alzheimer’s. His friends urged him to consider institutionalising his wife, but instead, even though he had a number of years until retirement, he resigned his presidency to take full-time care of her.

Faithfulness to him meant taking his wedding vows seriously. Robertson wrote of his wife, “She seems still to have affection for me. What more could I ask? I have a home full of love and laughter; many couples with their wits about them don’t have that! Muriel is very lovable—more dear to me now than ever. . . . I thank the Lord for His grace to us.”

Without faithfulness, which includes many other dimensions such as integrity, commitment, trust and loyalty, marriage in the 21st century has little hope of enduring.

Be forgiving of one another.
Interestingly, the first sin was between a married couple, Adam and Eve. Because of the close intimacy of marriage, no-one can hurt more than a mate can. We need to look into the face of our marital partner on a regular basis and say, “I’m sorry for my behaviour today; please forgive me.” These may be the hardest words to come out of our mouths, but they strengthen and confirm love for one another.

Always fellowship together.
A recent survey on what makes for happily married couples revealed praying together as important. Prayer encourages, brings spiritual renewal, reduces worry and anxiety, taps into divine wisdom, and increases our sense of God’s presence in a marriage.

Marriage, both as an institution and at the personal level, is something we need to protect, for it is under threat. How we deal with our partners now will do much to influence its durability.

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