Staying at Home With the Kids

Why would any young professional stay at home with their children? Jill Genobaga, a young doctor with a young family, gives an answer.

So, what do you have to be good at to stay home with your kids?” This profound question wasn’t being posed by a teen to her guidance counsellor; it wasn’t a query between expectant mothers; it wasn’t a discussion between husband and wife. It was lobbed at me by my six-year-old son! The same son for whom I’d postponed my medical career in order to roll about on the floor, wipe a runny nose and to whom I was to devote all my spare minutes.

That son who was going to revel in the fact that his mother put everything else aside to stare endlessly into his eyes, fill his mind with her great wisdom and attend to his every need— instantly!

The question came on the heels of yet another incredibly meaningful discussion we’d been having about his future career. I was expounding on the fact that if he were to be a doctor, he would have to be really good at science—if he chose law, then he would have to be a great reader, and so on. Then, the conversation-stopping question came: So, what do you have to be good at to stay home with kids?”

After I’d peeled myself off the floor and composed myself, I gave him the intelligently lucent answer, “Well . . . um . . .”
Statistics say that more women are leaving the work force, postponing careers and taking on the tasks of raising their children. After years of being told that women could “have it all,” they’re deciding to forgo some of “it.” But, along with their decision come fears and realities that aren’t all that glamorous. I’d been struggling with these realities, and this question from my son was the last straw.

Feeling a bit distraught, I turned to experts for advice: my mothers group.
The majority of them have made a decision to stay home, so I picked their brains: Were they struggling with the same issues? Were they fulfilled? Were they happy with their decision? Was it worth it? What do they worry about? Here’s what I learned:

staying home has a downside
1. Isolation. “Sometimes I feel I will never have an adult conversation again,” says Mandy, 31, mother of Imogen, 2, and Kieran, 1. “I get to the point that if I have to read one more book about Big Bird, I will scream. For me, this is the hardest part about staying home. I would love to get out more, but it’s hard to find the time when you’re juggling naps, feedings and trying to actually bathe yourself once in awhile.”

2. Professional stagnation. “The thing I worry about most is that with my career on hold, I won’t ever be fit for the work force again,” says Jacqui, mother of six-year-old twins Sara and Alec. “I chose to stay home and give up my career with an advertising agency to be with the boys.

“I don’t regret my decision, but there’s this voice in the back of my head that wonders if I’ll ever be able to go back when the time is right. Will I have forgotten everything? Will all that schooling and training go to waste?”

3. Boredom. “I quit my job as a lawyer to stay home with my baby girl,” says Inge, mother of Jodi. “I am so used to pressure and deadlines that the change of pace was great for awhile. Then things started getting a little boring, frankly. It’s not that I’m not busy taking care of my daughter, but to be perfectly honest, my brain feels neglected sometimes. I know that sounds selfish, but I often feel like I need some mental stimulation.”

Given all those harsh realities, why would anyone choose to give up their career and stay home with their kids? However, these three mothers unanimously agree it was the best decision they ever made.

staying at home has an upside
1. Being there. “I absolutely love the fact that I was there to see my kids roll over for the first time, to hear that first word and to see them take that first step. It would kill me to know I’d missed it and that someone else got to experience that,” says Mandy. “Also, I feel good that my kids are learning their morals and values from me and not a babysitter.”

Kids need their parents (not someone else’s). “The longer I spend with my boys, the more I realise how much they need me. They don’t just need a caregiver—they need their parents. They need guidance, love and nurturing, and no-one else in the world cares as much for them as do we,” says Jacqui.

2. Correct priorities. “I never realised how many things in my life were totally meaningless,” says Ione. “I was on the track to ‘success,’ but I was getting no meaning from it. It was only after having a baby that I began to realise what’s important. When I die, no-one will really care what job I had or what car I drove; my legacy will be left with what kind of child I raised. That’s what will live on.”

From my son’s gut-wrenching, ego-stomping question, I’ve learned several things.
First, I am realising that how society defines “success” (in a career) is irrelevant when it comes to raising my kids. For so long I’ve been indoctrinated to equate success with career. I’ve spent the majority of my life pursuing that goal.

When I became a stay-at-home mum, that was suddenly gone. I felt as if my identity had vanished as well. Suddenly I realised that my son couldn’t care less about how well I knew the cranial nerves or how to diagnose appendicitus. All he cared about was doing that puzzle with me or snuggling against my shoulder. To borrow from Dr Laura Schlessinger, radio talk-show host, I now have a new identity: “My kid’s mum.”

Second, doing what I think is right for my kids may not be easy. It is indeed a job, and every job has parts that are great and parts that aren’t quite so. The job of parenting is no different. Some days are full of the mundane and void of the mentally stimulating. But other days hold the wonder and excitement of discovering how to put a basketball through a hoop or successfully guiding that small hand to get macaroni from a spoon into that tiny mouth. The bottom line is, it isn’t really about me anymore. It’s all about that creature that I helped create.

Third, there is a pay-off. Although my son may not yet understand what you have to be “good at” to stay home with him, I’m starting to realise that I now have an entirely new arsenal of skills that this on-the-job training has brought: love, joy, patience, long-suffering, understanding and perspective. I feel that I’m beginning to grasp the meaning of life. I strive to pass on this revelation to my children.

So if my son were to ask me the same question today, I now would have an answer: You have to be good at raising a morally responsible human being to become a positive contribution to society and family. I would go so far to say that this might be the most difficult (and most rewarding) job in existence.

My daughter, in her creative four-year-old musings, the other day stopped suddenly and asked: “Mummy, do you know what I want to be when I grow up?”
“What?” I queried, intrigued.
With all the earnest innocence she could muster, she replied, “A mummy.”
Pay-off? I think so.

coping with staying at home . . .

isolation:

Join a playgroup with other mothers and their kids.
Want something more cerebral? Join a book club.
Can’t find a playgroup or book club? Start your own.

stagnation:

Steal a few minutes each day to keep up to date professionally.
l Read current journals in your field.
l Keep your membership in your professional society.
l Set aside some time to attend professional meetings in your field.

boredom:

Pursue your hobby. Set aside a bit of time each week to go and take those pictures or knit that jumper.
Have a scrapbooking get-together with other mums and kids. Rotate the child-care duties so everyone gets a bit of uninterrupted time.
Set a date with your girlfriends for a night out. Rule #1: No talking about the kids!

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