Better Discipline Makes Better Parents

According to the American Academy of Pediatrics, discipline should take place all the time, not just when the child misbehaves. Kelle Larkin takes up the point.

We’ve all been victimised by an undisciplined toddler at one time or another—in my case it was within my own extended family, with the cherub in question running rampant, dominating our every conversation.

His parents, busy in their new role as his personal twin doormats, didn’t notice the eyebrows raised by adults all around them. “He’s tired,” they would off-handedly explain, whether it was 9 am or 5 pm, or, “He’s stressed right now.”

Bedtime was whenever he said he was tired. Mealtime consisted of an unbalanced portion of whatever he craved at the hour he demanded it. Public events were a nightmare with restaurants topping the list. My own kids stared at me with wide eyes from their chairs as their cousin did laps around the table while his Mum, Dad and grandparents commented about how “active” he was. All the adults in his life, terribly afraid of tarnishing the psyche of this little one, let him decide everything on his own. At the age of two!
What this little tyrant needed was limits: Firm rules that were lovingly, but consistently enforced; a regular bedtime ritual that took place well before 10 at night; mealtime guidelines; and social guidance so that he could be escorted into a public place without embarrassing all.

At the other end of the continuum, are parents who set unreasonable limits for their toddlers, discipline them harshly or use age-inappropriate punishments and confuse them with inconsistency.

Every parent wonders at one time or another where the grey area is between too permissive and too firm. The bewildering day arrives for every parent when their sweet, loving baby begins the natural separation from parents into the emotional highs and lows of toddler-hood. Most parents realise that toddlers learn through exploration, and are eager to provide a positive atmosphere in which their child can learn and live.

Problems may begin with very young toddlers, according to Dr Timothy Royer, a clinical paediatric psychologist, when parents become too emotionally involved in disciplining, lessening its effects by offering too detailed explanations for virtually every boundary they enforce.

“You can’t be too verbose at this stage,” he says, pointing out that children tend to take advantage of extreme leniency, immediately sensing parental hesitation where discipline is concerned. “At this stage, you just need succinct, concrete rules.”

Where older toddlers are concerned, Dr Royer says he sees far too little disciplining for disrespect toward the parent, with many parents concentrating a one-sided effort focused on disciplining behaviours. “Life is a series of relationships. The connection between a parent and child sets the tone for the child’s relationships for every other authority figures in their lives.”

He feels strongly that teaching respect should take up a huge portion of any parent’s disciplinary action. “If kids are allowed to be disrespectful to their parents at the age of two or three, they’ll be disrespectful toward their second grade teacher at seven years old. It will continue,” he notes.

He also advises against corporal punishment, favouring instead age-appropriate time-outs. “The best model of discipline is time-outs and verbal encouragement.”

Time-outs, he points out, help a child develop better coping mechanisms, and need to be balanced by positive reinforcements. One minute per year of age during the toddler years until the age of five is a good guideline to measure by, according to Dr Royer.

And if time-out doesn’t work?
Instead of resorting to physical punishment in a failed time-out situation, Dr Royer advises parents to take the same approach with toddlers that some special education teachers do with older children. “If a child is defiant and oppositional and refuses to cooperate for a time-out (and if you know that the child is able to do so), you need to assist—physically hold and restrain that child until he or she calms down enough to regroup and accept the time-out.” The additional restraint time added to the time-out is enough to corral most children into acceptance after a few instances, according to Dr Royer.

He recommends parents rehearse the day their baby needs to be disciplined, using role-playing exercises to decide how certain situations will be handled well in advance.

The most destructive parenting, in Dr Royer’s opinion, is reactionary. These parents don’t prepare themselves ahead of time and they react impulsively to the anger and emotion of the moment rather than following through with the rehearsed plan.

The nature of such disciplining is almost certain to squelch a child’s natural spirit and be detrimental in the long run. Under no circumstances should humiliation be involved in discipline, and punishment must not revolve around withholding something the child needs. For example, while taking away a favourite toy is an appropriate punishment, withholding a meal is not.

know where you’re going
Good, effective, parenting comes from healthy mothers and fathers who fully understand what they’re trying to accomplish; parents who take into account each child’s temperament when teaching through punishment and correction. A strong-willed child will naturally require a firmer hand than a meeker child will.

To avoid misfiring in the discipline department, Dr Royer suggests that every parent should set personal goals when disciplining. “What do you hope to accomplish with your discipline? Are you trying to raise a popular child? Or a successful child? Is your goal a strong character—responsible and productive?” Having goals helps you define and clarify your parenting techniques.

Amy Clark, child-life coordinator at Bronson Children’s Hospital, says that determining behavioural boundaries is necessary for all parents, but advises them to make sure all limits are age-appropriate and reasonable. Sometimes what parents consider bad behaviour is actually the natural manifestation of expectations that are too high or too harsh for a child’s age.

“For instance, you can’t expect a two-year-old to sit still for an hour. Don’t set limits that will set your child up for failure,” Ms Clark advises.

Another disciplining error common among frustrated parents is the punishment or reprimand where there is no justification.
“Keep it very simple; say to the child, ‘You can’t hit your brother, because you might hurt him,’ as opposed to just yelling ‘No!’ or striking a child. Kids need to know what they did wrong. Correct the behaviour as you discipline, because your child deserves to know why they are being punished.”

Clark leans toward redirection as her favourite toddler disciplinary action. “It’s a great method of discipline for toddlers, because of their short attention spans. If a three-year-old throws a fit because he wants to push his sister’s stroller, Mum might offer to let him or help push the stroller with her, averting the tantrum,” she suggests.

“Education is a major factor when it comes to effective parental teaching. The more educated a parent is about the methods of discipline he or she uses, the more effectively they’ll be able to administer them. Parents can become really frustrated if they don’t understand what a child is going through developmentally,” she says.