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Signs of the Times Australia / NZ edition — lifestyle, health, relationships, culture, spirituality, people — published since 1886 |
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Signs of the Times Australia / NZ edition — lifestyle, health, relationships, culture, spirituality, people — published since 1886 |
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Q: My husband says he has a “private space” inside his head where he stores “personal” information. He tells me he isn’t interested in sharing it with anyone, including me. He gets irritable when I press him about it, and becomes very angry when I share any information about him. I wish he could be more open.
A: Information is power. The more we share, the more we empower others to really know us—warts and all. This can be a scary thought. Information can be misused and, as a result, we can be disadvantaged or discounted.
Being so vulnerable doesn’t appeal to many of us. We’d rather hide, like Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden who didn’t want their nakedness on view. But hiding has its price—it costs us closeness and intimacy—even friendship.
Your husband’s fear is a common enough malady. You might help him modify it if you:
Model openness yourself. Within your husband’s hearing, share information about yourself with others. Only do this to the degree that you’re comfortable, however. Let him see how this helps you form a closer bond with friends.
Invite your husband’s comment in the presence of your hearers. Let him give an opinion or expand in detail on information you’ve shared about yourself. He’ll see that you don’t fear this level of self-disclosure and might be able to follow your example.
Only share information about your husband that you’ve already heard him share with others. This is safe territory and unlikely to anger him.
Encourage him to share more with you. When he does, keep it in trust. Don’t share it with others until he does. This way he knows his “secrets” are safe with you. This will help build closeness and intimacy between you.
If you find he appears to share more with his brother or your daughter than with you, accept this and keep working on communication within the relationship you have with him.
Extract from Signs of the Times, January / February 2003.
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