Happy Marriage . . . Where?

Q: I always thought I wanted to get married, but as I look around, I’m not impressed with the marriages I see or the rate of divorce. I’m pushing 30 now, and losing hope of ever finding a lasting match. Do truly happy marriages actually exist? If so, where can I find one?

A: Happy marriages do exist, but not by accident. They’re custom-made by the couple. They’re based on values held in common and on expectations that are met to the satisfaction of each other.
Trust rather than romantic love is the foundation for a good lifelong match. Where couples have a great marriage there is no lack of romantic love, but it is a fruit rather than the root of their relationship.
Shared values vary widely, and include tastes in food and clothing, in homes and standards of living, personal habits, parenting styles, religious practice and leisure activities. All play their part in any marriage, but the core values in a happy marriage are relational.
Relational values include respect, patience, kindness and humility. They also include forgiveness when we hurt one another and the kind of love that chooses to endure regardless of the joys and disappointments of everyday life.* It is crucial to get these values right if the relationship is to have a chance at thriving.
It is also wise not to burden a marriage with too many expectations. If the core values are present, be content.
It isn’t realistic to expect a partner to be able to meet all your needs all of the time.
Healthy marriages allow for some fulfilments in other appropriate contexts, for example, at work, in art classes, hobby clubs, exercise groups, with other family members or with a friend of your gender whose life experience is similar to your own.

* Colossians 3:12-14; see also Ephesians 5:21-31.

Extract from Signs of the Times, July 2003.

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