and baby makes three . . . sometimes
Sophie’s story
I was 15 when I had my first child. I called him Brandon* after his father, my boyfriend at the time. His eyes were pools of deepest brown and I was in love the moment I saw him. It was great to have a baby, but reality hit soon after he was born. I discovered his father had been cheating on me, so he was out of the picture.
I was asked to leave the private school I’d attended all my life and so I enrolled in a public school where teen mothers were accepted. I went to class part-time while Brandon went to daycare at the school.
I say my first child because, a year-and-a-half later, I became pregnant again. This time the father, Michael, wanted to be honourable and “stand by his woman.” He proposed. We were both 17 and still in secondary school, with no jobs, no money and nowhere to live. I thought it was a good idea—to get married. I didn’t want to be alone to raise another baby.
I was sure this baby would cement our relationship even though we’d only been dating for four months. So we went through a legal ceremony, applied for social services assistance and moved into his parents’ garage.
At the beginning, life was a fairy tale: being with the one you love with two kids; roughing it—toughing out obstacles together. But too soon, once again, reality struck. Within a matter of weeks, we realised we didn’t even like each other that much. We fought over trivial stuff.
Then there were our schedules. I had to be up and ready, have both the babies bathed, dressed and fed in time for my bus at 6.30 am. We spent an eight-hour day in class, then came home to more fighting and screaming. It seemed unfair that while I struggled with two babies and school, my husband spent his days in his regular school as if nothing had changed.
You’re probably wondering why, if I knew what a mistake I’d made with having the first child, I had a second?
Well, me, too! I ask myself that all the time. I think there was just something disconnected in my immature brain that didn’t link action and consequence. I think some part of my brain so badly wanted something that would love me unconditionally that I somehow forgot how high the price would be.
So, where are we now? Divorced. I’m not sure that marriage, just because we had a baby, was such a good idea. We should have had an underlying commitment first.
Melissa’s story
I found out I was pregnant two weeks after my boyfriend broke up with me. I was only 17, and I was shocked, scared and angry, but most of all, lonely. I was a church minister’s daughter, a good girl, supposedly. I’d been having sex with my boyfriend for some time, and we always used protection—except once. We’d been having some problems—a lot of arguing and fighting—and it wasn’t until later that I found out he had another girlfriend for most of the time. I was stuck with the result.
I don’t mean to blame him entirely because I was a willing participant. But it seemed so unfair. During that long nine months, I’ve never been so lonely. My parents were great—supportive and they took care of me, but I still felt shame and guilt at violating their trust.
The hardest part was not hearing from the baby’s father. I wanted to call him, but I was determined that he should call me first; he was the one who’d left and he needed to take some responsibility. But at the baby’s delivery, it was my mother who was by my side. My baby came into the world without his father being there.
From that moment on I decided I didn’t need him. I became determined that I would provide everything my son needed. After all, the only thing my son could learn from his father was that men will leave and disappoint you. My parents have helped me raise my son, but mostly it’s just been me. I think I’m doing a good job and though it’s hard, I think I’m better off without the baby’s father in our lives.
Elaine’s story
I’m 36 and I want a baby. It’s as simple as that. All my life, I’ve wanted to be pregnant, to experience the joy of carrying that life inside of me, to produce something that is part of myself. One problem, though, I’m not married. Not only am I not married, I don’t have any prospects. It’s not that I haven’t had boyfriends; it’s just that none have been serious enough to consider that M word.
I have my life on track; I’m a successful corporate lawyer; I own my own home and car; now it’s time for a family. I feel that biological clock ticking and it’s time for me to have that baby. It doesn’t seem fair that I should have to wait just because I’m not married. The technology is available, and I feel I’m in a stable place and that I can provide a good environment for a child. I’m at the point that I’m ready to do it without a man in my life. It’s time.
Three women, three quite different experiences, three different sets of circumstances. They’re all linked, however, by the same troubling dilemma. Which should come first: marriage or baby?
Why do most cultures and religions teach that marriage should come first? Many in society of the past 20 years don’t seem affected at all by doing things in the reverse order. What’s the answer?
In unpacking this conundrum, let’s begin with some common misconceptions and realities about the function of children in relationships—all of which are beautifully illustrated in the stories of Sophia, Melissa and Elaine.
Misconception: I want this baby so I will have someone to love and someone who will love me unconditionally.
Reality: Babies are needy. While you may love your baby unconditionally, it’s sometimes hard to tell that it loves you. Babies need constant attention. You may not feel the same love toward that baby when you have to get up three times in the middle of the night to feed it and change it. You may feel a void in your life, but it’s unlikely that a baby will fill it. It needs so much more than it can give—especially in the first few months and years of life.
Misconception: I want this baby because they are so cute; it will be fun to dress it and get all the baby stuff.
Reality: Babies aren’t always cute—especially when they cry and vomit and keep you awake. They aren’t cute when you’re dead tired and they’re screaming. They try your patience. A baby isn’t a plaything—just something to dress and play with. A baby is a human being; a creature full of potential and an incredible responsibility. And those cute clothes and shoes cost almost as much as your own.
Misconception: I’ll be so proud of myself when I have a baby. It’ll make me complete.
Reality: Hey, anyone can create a baby; it doesn’t take any special talent. The thing you must realise is that a baby is forever—much longer than the few minutes of intercourse. The minute you become pregnant, it isn’t just about you anymore. From that moment, you must think of the welfare of your baby.
Misconception: Having a baby will cement my relationship with my boyfriend or husband.
It will make that reluctant boyfriend want to get married or it will solve all those marital problems my husband and I have been having.
Reality: This is probably one of the worst reasons to get pregnant. With a baby comes a lot of stress and hardship, and more than likely this stress will only make your relationship with your partner worse.
Misconception: I don’t need a man in my life to raise a child. I can do it all on my own.
Reality: In theory, that’s true, but men do bring a specialised set of qualities to a relationship that children need. Even though women can physically care for a child, children are short-changed when there is no male influence in their lives.
Something striking in all these misconceptions is how the focus is on the adult, not the child. Each states how the child will fill an unmet need in the life of the mother and/or father. It’s an attitude that needs a total overhaul.
Let’s shift the focus entirely. Assume, for a moment, that the number-one priority is the child rather than the adult and that we put every need of the baby—emotional, physical, developmental, mental and even spiritual—first. New considerations emerge.
the true needs
Babies need two parents. Males and females may be equal in status, but they’re definitely not the same. Fathers tend to bring discipline, a competitive spirit, order and structure, while mothers bring tenderness, caring and compassion. This is not to say that there is no overlap, but male and female influences tend to complement each other in child rearing. When one parent is absent, those qualities are not counterbalanced in the same way—all to the child’s detriment.
Children need two parents committed to each other. When parents are in harmony, they have more time to focus completely on the needs of their child.
Children need parents who have support. When one parent has dealt with nappies, crying and feeding all day, it’s essential to have someone as a relief (and that doesn’t include the grand-parents). Each parent has to have a break, even for a few minutes, to be effective.
But support is not only emotional. Financial support affords the opportunity for parents to spend more time with their children, that is, a stay-at-home mum or dad. Religious efforts are also more effective when both parents are committed to common moral values and spiritual issues.
Children need good examples. Children who have a home where both parents are committed to each other and to their family, have a much better chance of repeating the pattern. It’s that background that is critical to shaping their future.
So, what should come first? Marriage or baby? It depends on your focus. If your top priority is how a child can enrich your life, it doesn’t much matter. If, however, your ultimate goal is the welfare of your child, the problem is more easily resolved. Of course, situations arise that are sometimes beyond our control, such as the death of a parent or unavoidable divorce. But, most times, personal choice directly affects the way you organise your life. By changing your perspective, the pieces fall into place.
Raising a child is perhaps the most important job you will do in your lifetime. So be sure to have the support, resources, commitment and proper priorities to be the most effective parent you can be.
* All names have been changed.
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