Like Father, Not Desired

Q: I grew up in a family where my father’s word was law, and we kids didn’t dare challenge him. If we stepped out of line, he beat us with his leather belt. I was always afraid of my dad, so a close relationship was impossible. Now I that I have two kids of my own, I want a good relationship with them, but I feel angry and punitive when they play up. I need to do something, but how can I avoid being like my father?

A: The desire to be different from your father as you relate to your children is a step in the right direction. Now you need to strengthen the positive aspects of your relationship with them.
Here’s where to begin:
Play with them. When you play with your children, you have two roles. First, enter into the fun and tumble of the moment. Second, if their play becomes rough or unfair, teach them healthy responses such as forgiveness, reconciliation and respect. This is best done by modelling these attitudes yourself and encouraging them to follow your example.
Talk to them. As your kids grow, discover what topics interest them and discuss these as an equal. Value your children’s opinions even if you don’t always agree with them. Try to avoid overcorrecting, implied put-downs or judgmental comments in responses. Negative words may bolster your ego, but they will also damage the very relationship you’re trying to build.
Listen to them. Try to give your kids more listening time than talking time. You will learn more about their fears and joys, what motivates them and what turns them off as they talk than would otherwise be possible.
Be a support to them. When the going is rough in the outside world your children need to know they have a parent who believes in them. Good support is not indiscriminate, however. Where they have done wrong don’t discount it. Tell them how to do better in future and affirm them for their good efforts.
The Bible recognises how fathers can be, counselling, “Do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord” (Ephesians 6:4).