Beating the Bullies
I vividly recall her dark, evil eyes. The girl ruled the back seat of the bus I rode daily for my first year in high school. She delighted in terrifying students and adults with chilling taunts and violent threats, heightened by her maniacal laugh and the occasional glint of a knife. No-one dared mess with her, not even the adults or bus driver.
At one point, a large man who disembarked at her stop, complained to the bus company that she’d chased him with a knife; he wanted her pass cancelled. Then one day it was my turn. Right in front of the other intimidated students, she presented to me a shiny, 30-centimetre-long knife blade, explaining how she’d used it to castrate sheep. Then, while the bus jolted along the bumpy road, with the help of an accomplice, she used the blade to cut off my fingernails, leaving me with a few bloodied fingertips. When my parents reported the incident, her travel pass was cancelled.
I was one of the lucky ones, but others aren’t so. Bullying has become an increasing issue in recent times as reports of victimisation at school and in the workplace make it into nightly news bulletins and current affairs shows. Victims tell of being forced into garbage bins and belted with baseball bats and of being “laundered” in washing machines. Others don’t say anything, having been driven to suicide.
Despite legislative and educational programs in schools and the workplace, the incidence, or at least the reported incidence, of bullying is rising.
Unfortunately, beauty or bulk doesn’t necessarily keep a bully at bay; and don’t expect it to end when you leave school.
Standing Tall is a one-man, UK-based anti-bullying campaign conducted by a six-foot-seven survivor of the practice. Its point is to alert politicians to the extent of the problem and force them to legislate effective anti-bullying policies and remedies for kids in schools and while in transit.
And the 2003 Miss America, Erika Harold, has issued an “international call to action” to counteract a culture of violence and bullying in schools, something that almost destroyed her school years. A former victim of racial and sexual harassment at her Illinios school, she was systematically degraded in the classroom. She had vulgar songs sung about her, and in a chilling subscript, school officials learned of a plan by her classmates to pool their lunch money to buy a rifle to shoot her.
A New Zealand resources expert, Andrea Needham, who recently returned home after working overseas, was struck by the bullying culture of her New Zealand workplace and has written a book she’s called Bullying at Work.
These are a few specific examples of something we’ve always known existed, but just how widespread is the problem?
A 1999 survey conducted in more than 21 countries of Europe, Africa and Australasia reveals increasing interest in the problem, particularly in schools. A US study has found that of students in Grade 6-10 of both public and private schools, almost one-third had experienced significant bullying. Kids Helpline receives around 6000 calls about bullying from young Australians each year and estimates are that one-in-six children are bullied on a weekly basis.
In the workplace, bullying is a simmering hidden epidemic. In Australian business it is estimated that the economic cost of bullying through lost productivity is more than $A13 billion a year. A US Hostile Workplace Survey, conducted in 2000, revealed some 21 per cent of US workers as the targets of bullies, of whom 80 per cent are the bosses! Work-related diseases and stress account for a total of $US26 billion annually in the US.
Bullying is costly, both in human and economic terms. Bullying crosses all boundaries. Tim Fields, of UK-based Bullying Online, says, “Bullying is present behind all forms of harassment, discrimination, prejudice, abuse, persecution, conflict and violence. . . . When bullying has a focus, it comes out as racial prejudice, or sexual discrimination. When the bullying lacks a focus, it comes out as pure bullying.”
Issues related to bullying include stalking, domestic violence, trauma, child abuse and child suicide, workplace bullying, even religious persecution, slavery and terrorism. Its devastating impact can vary from anxiety, stress and illness, dysfunction or depression, to post-traumatic stress disorder, death and suicide.
Says Fields, “I believe bullying is the single most important social issue of today.”
Australian Professor Ken Rigby, internationally recognised authority on bullying and speaker at the National Anti-bullying Conference in Australia, held in November 2003, says, “There is no doubt that bullying has been with us at least as long as recorded history. . . . We’ve only to read the anguished cries of the now remote and anonymous authors of the psalms to realise that bullying was excruciatingly present among people more than 2500 years ago.”
He quotes the psalmist David: “‘Deadly enemies surround me; they have no pity and speak proudly. They are around me now; wherever I turn, watching for a chance to put me down. . . . My enemies make trouble for me all day long; they are always thinking up some ways to hurt me. . . . My enemies insult me. . . . They want me to die and be forgotten. . . . I am like a dumb man who cannot speak.’
“Unspeakable torment of the oppressed—this is indeed what it’s like for children who are continually oppressed by their peers in school,” says Rigby.
He defines bullying as “a desire to hurt, plus hurtful action, plus a power imbalance, plus [typically] repetition, plus an unjust use of power, plus evident enjoyment by the aggressor and a sense of being oppressed on the part of the victim.”
The profile of a serial bully is of someone out for control—seeking power, domination and subjugation—generally picking on “weak” targets. Bullies haven’t learnt to accept responsibility for their actions. They may have been a victim of abuse themselves and never effectively dealt with that. They may deny everything and retaliate by counterattacking, feigning victimhood. Bullies don’t like witnesses or their behaviour-profile identified and reflected.
Poor shame management has been identified as a key element in forming a bullying or victimhood mentality, according to research by the Life at School Project. Questionnaires about the quality of school life and focusing on bullying were distributed to students and parents of 32 primary schools in Canberra, from 1996.
It found that when a person fails to reach the standard they set for themselves, they experience the natural emotion of shame. How one deals with that negative emotion determines where they find themselves on the bullying pyramid.
Intervention orders obtained in magistrates courts based on solid evidence can assist in the protection of your right to freedom from harassment, stalking and verbal and physical abuse. They require police to act against breaches, to investigate, take statements and lay charges if necessary leading the offender to face a judges conviction.
A Victoria-wide survey of school children revealed that bullying is one of the biggest issues that they confront at school. NSW and Victorian Education Department guidelines state that all schools are required to have anti-bullying strategies within their codes of conduct, as schools are supposed to be safe places for learning.
It’s no longer acceptable to have an environment of intimidation within the schools. “Bullying behaviour in our school is a long-term mental health issue, if you consider that research shows that up to 30 per cent of depression in young people might be prevented if we could stop bullying,” says Dr Rob Moodie, CEO of the Vic Health Promotion Foundation.
Some victims, meanwhile, will never live to fight another day. In the wake of the recent tragic suicide of promising young Aimee Jenkinson, a 14-year-old Melbourne high school girl allegedly bullied to suicide, the Australian National Coalition Against Bullying launched a program to promote a culture of caring and helping.
According to the coalition, “Bullying happens in schools, playgrounds, on the sporting field and carries on into the workplace. The statistics are frightening.” They suggest that as much as 20 per cent of youth suicide is a response to bullying, that 54 per cent of Year 7 children feel unsafe at school and that 60 per cent of childhood bullies will go on to become criminals.
big names for a big task
America’s Cup legend John Bertrand, who lent his support to the Melbourne anti-bullying conference in November 2003, hasn’t forgotten the terror unleashed on him by a 14-year old bully at his Mordialloc, Vic, school. Bertrand now chairs the Alannah and Madeline Foundation, launched in 1997 by its patron Prime Minister John Howard, following the 1996 massacre of 33 adults at Port Arthur, Tasmania.
The foundation is named in honour of the two girls who lost their lives in the massacre. Hoping to turn around the growing bullying trend and in the belief that children are the country’s future, the foundation emphasises early prevention as the key to breaking the bullying cycle.
The foundation initiated the highly successful anti-bullying Buddy Bear school program in some 600 NSW and Victorian schools. It encourages older students to adopt a younger one as their “buddy,” with the message “I’m special, because I care about others.” The Buddy Bear program also equips children with caring and helping skills, with the goal of permanently eliminating the bullying culture from schools.
ultimate bullies?
Eric and Dylan never had the benefit of a Buddy Bear-type program at their school. On the morning of April 20, 1999, the two bullies walked into their school in Columbine, Colorado, carrying guns, pipe bombs and enough ammunition to hold off a small army. Over the next few minutes, they turned their school ground into a battle zone. A short time later, 27 people were dead, including themselves, committing suicide rather than face the consequences of their callous actions.
Why did they do it? everyone wanted to know. A suicide note by one of the young murderers said, “Your children who have ridiculed me, who have chosen not to accept me, who have treated me like I am not worth their time, are dead.” It appears that the boys were social outcasts in their school, ridiculed by their peers, and themselves victims. One had been in therapy for a year. The massacre and their own deaths were their idea of revenge.
Bullying is a tragic incapacity to love—a vacuum of compassion and caring for others’ needs and rights. So, as in many cases, victims morphed into bullies, because, as one child expressed it, “they hurt so bad inside themselves.”
Is your child being bullied?
Check for damaged clothing, unexplained cuts or bruises, uncharacteristic tears or depression, sleep problems or bed-wetting. A bully’s chosen victim will usually be shy and may be experiencing learning difficulties.
School governance takes the issue seriously these days and most have anti-bullying policies to combat it. However, a parent is in the best position to help resolve their child’s problems.
First, they should look objectively at their child’s personality. Does the child have an outgoing, boisterous personality, or are they quiet and shy? If he or she is timid or different in some way, they’re a perfect target. Realistically, such children need to be taught survival skills that will help protect them the remainder of their lives.
Allow a child to release pent-up emotion in a way that works best for them. Put a large pile of pillows on the bed and let them punch them as hard as they can until they feel better. Put on some upbeat music and tell them to dance as crazily as they can! Best of all, introduce some laughter—buy them a joke book and ask them to read them to you, or hire a funny video.
Teach them to control their breathing and feel calmer.
Although it is difficult for shy children to be assertive, role playing and verbal “judo” can be helpful. Take turns being bully and victim. Plan defensive strategies and clever comebacks. (“You’ve got really hairy legs, gorilla . . .” “And don’t they make great leg warmers!” )
Bullies thrive on fear and appear to possess an in-built radar for others with low self-worth and confidence. So teach your child to stand tall and walk confidently. Practise literal “brave faces” in front of a mirror; smiling at an opponent shifts power.
Maintain an up-to-date wardrobe and hairstyle, as it’s kids that look different who are usually picked on.
Self-defence classes help build self-esteem—often without the need to employ it.
Form a network with other students, and with parents; bullies find it hard to penetrate groups.
Some parents have difficulty dealing with their child’s experience, because it prods memories of their own school traumas that went unresolved. Such a parent needs their own emotional cleansing before attempting to deal with their child’s, which may involve counselling.
Promise to take action against bullies, and follow through: “Come any closer, and I’ll report you!”
Tackling bullies
Please don’t hurt me!” cried the little girl, crouching into a corner of the schoolyard playground. Fed by the fear in her eyes, the schoolyard bully seized the moment to yank her hair, hard. The sound of her tears echoed around the schoolyard. No-one came to her aid for fear of becoming the next victim. She suffered alone in her daytime “prison,” hearing the nervous laughter from onlookers that she had once thought were her friends. There wasn’t a teacher in sight.
Every day, a similar situation is happening at a school near you. Once a week in Australia, studies reveal, one-in-six children aged between nine and 17 are victims of school bullying. These victims often go on to experience emotional problems later in life because of their unresolved schoolyard trauma.
Although tormentors often believe they’re “just teasing,” reports of “bullycide”—where children take their own lives because of the overwhelming emotional stress—persist.
Bullying takes several forms. Besides obvious physical torment, verbal abuse can often be the more painful. It might also include destruction of property, destructive gossip and hurtful name-calling where the perpetrator sets out to cause the victim distress.
Bullies can be the most popular children in the class, using the bullying tactics to build power, status and popularity among their peers.
It is important parents do not dismiss their children’s worries as merely being a part of life. By the time a child has the courage to confess to their parents that they’re being bullied, they’ve probably already experienced a great deal of physical or emotional distress. No-one wants to be labelled a “dobber,” and for this reason, many children never confess their stressful situation to parents, as they may feel like a weakling or ashamed.
What to do when bullied
- Accept what you can’t change, change what you can and ask for wisdom to know the difference. You realistically can’t change the bully, but you can change yourself.
- Be patient. A bully may have to be caught red-handed. If it doesn’t work, beware; just “sticking it out” can result in more harm than good. Remove yourself or your child from the threat and explore new options.
- Knowledge is empowerment, so learn your rights and assert them. Evidence is empowering, so keep a diary and record every incident. Be specific—the times, dates and places; what and who were involved; names of witnesses. Informing others is empowering.
- Read books to build up your inner self. Fill up your love tank.
- To deal with any out-of-control emotions, talk it out with a safe person.
- Take action. Report incidents in accordance with the laws of the school or workplace.
- Keep talking until someone listens, helps and supports you. Expression helps the depression that is a natural result of bullying. Debriefing after trauma is vital to recovery. Forgive the bully and pray for them. This will help rid you of soul-destroying bitterness and desires for revenge.
- Be kind to yourself. Write a list of things you enjoy or are thankful for, then indulge yourself with one each day! This helps put the whole issue in perspective.
- Examine your boundary system. Seek help from a counsellor to create healthy boundaries.
- Shut out the bad and open the good.
- Do some problem solving on paper. State the problem and then brainstorm options.
- Plan some goals to be achieved, or something to look forward to.
- Rebuild. Join a support group, or, perhaps, a supportive church. Work through issues with a counsellor.
- Learn new skills—conflict resolution, communication and assertiveness.
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Articles of interest:
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This is an extract from January February 2004
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