How to Cope
Lorna’s day had been serene—until she opened the door to her husband. His face told her instantly he was in one of his moods. Oh, no, she thought. It’s going to be one of those evenings. She knew from experience that he’d had a difficult day and was bringing his office problems home. From experience, she knew, too, his glumness would persist all evening. If he responded to her remarks at all, it would be more of a snap than a civil answer. He was in a bad mood, and she was at a loss as to how to handle it.
Most marriages would run more smoothly if both parties were even-tempered and pleasant to live with all the time. But, of course, that isn’t the case. The moods of our husband or wife vary, as does our own. The happy, positive moods give us no concern—we’d probably like to see more of those—it’s the unhappy, negative times that we’d like to eliminate.
owever, human nature being as it is, with its ebb and flow of various emotions, that’s impossible. So if we can’t eliminate the sometimes-negative moods, the next best thing is to learn to cope with them.
Understanding your spouse’s down times is the foundation of coping. Part of that lies in acceptance—accept the fact that your partner has negative moods, and probably will continue to do so. This fact isn’t unusual, since practically everyone experiences negative moods on occasions. Some people have learned to control their moods to the point where they don’t show to an outsider. But in a close relationship like marriage, it’s almost impossible for one to hide his or her feelings from the other. Marriage is about sharing feelings, the negative as well as the positive.
In accepting that your spouse will have some bad moods you will be taking a giant step toward coping with them when they arrive. You will be less surprised or disappointed when your mate “is not up to his (or her) usual self” if you don’t expect them to always be even tempered.
How do you handle your mate’s moods? That depends. Try different methods, for what works once may not always work. You might try to cheer by being witty and light-hearted, charming them out of the mood. On the other hand, that may be the totally wrong approach. If he or she doesn’t respond, persisting may even make matters worse, irritating them further. Of course, you could take that as a personal insult, but don’t. Some people simply need to be alone at times. If this is your partner’s need, respect that. Get busy on some project of your own, staying away.
A partner can help to pull the spouse out of a mood by suggesting an outing of some kind that will turn their mind in another direction. A husband who contracts to take his wife to dinner will probably find her mood has disappeared—as long as there are no underlying causes. A wife might suggest her husband play a round of golf.
But your partner may just need to talk. They may be feeling discouraged and in need of a sympathetic ear. If so, listen carefully and sympathetically. Avoid giving advice. Usually a person doesn’t need that. (They may have been given more than they need already!) A person may need to talk out their resentment or have a bruised ego nursed. Even if you feel they’re in the wrong, this is no time to tell. Criticism, even constructive criticism, might depress them even more.
A poor mood is often the sign of a suffering ego, so use words and actions to soothe. For a wife, this might take the form of a note or small gift that expresses love. For a husband, food always helps.
A favourite dish says, “I think you’re a great guy!”
Should you be worried about your mate because they experience moods? Here again, it depends. Depression, in the extreme, might lead to suicide—but that’s rare, even if more common these days. If they are infrequent, slight or short lived, you don’t need to worry. But, if they are frequent, persist for days or even weeks and cause deep depression, it’s time to visit the doctor, as the moodiness may be an indication of some more insidious illness or biological imbalance.
Many people—both men and women—experience a mood cycle. Women commonly experience moods according to their body rhythms. For men, it may be a recurring event, such as an unwelcome visitor.
A wife says that her husband always goes into depression during Christmas holidays! In the early years of her marriage, his moods made her depressed too, as she felt that she had failed in some way. Now, after five years of marriage, she’s learned to take his moods in her stride.
“I finally decided not to let his mood dampen my Christmas spirit any longer,” she says. “I want to pull him up, not let him pull me down.” She was finally able to cope with his moods when she came to the realisation they were not her fault.
Most conscientious partners who want to keep harmony in their marriage, on seeing their spouse glum, will immediately ask themselves, “What have I said or done to make him or her feel or act like that?” Most often the answer is nothing. Rather, it’s a combination of outside circumstances over which the spouse has little control—and a negative reaction.
There are times, however, when a spouse’s action may be a starter for a mood. In these cases, a spouse can eliminate the ignition. For instance, Jane notices that after talking about her university years, her husband, Bob, who didn’t attend, falls into a blue mood. It shouldn’t take much figuring on Jane’s part to realise that this is not a subject for discussion. Or, if Jane shows signs of irritability when Bob speaks admiringly of a female coworker, he should realise it’s not something to pursue. Jane shouldn’t trivialise Bob’s feelings and feel annoyed that he let such a small thing throw him into a mood, and he might think the same about her. But they are looking only at the surface. There is a deeper level. Jane, by her talk about her university years, punctures the covering to Bob’s inferiority. A man who is confident of himself probably wouldn’t object. Bob, by his admiring remarks about another woman, turns the key to Jane’s insecurity. If she feels secure in herself and in her marriage, she wouldn’t object.
If you know a certain topic or action initiates a mood in your spouse, you may choose to avoid the topic or action. Or you can try to discuss the problem at its deeper level to discover the real reason for the mood. At worst, you brace yourself and merely cope with the situation.
Sometimes a person cannot—or simply prefers not—to change a situation that triggers a mood in the spouse. For instance, a man who is required to work overtime and finds his wife in a poor mood when he returns home can’t do much about correcting the cause. His wife will need to adjust. Or, perhaps, a wife feels she should be able to take an evening course, even if her spouse doesn’t approve. She will need to be able to face his mood when she returns.
But change, adjustment or compromise are all possible. Moods are part of marriage because they are a facet of human nature. You may not be able to make the negative ones disappear entirely, but with foresight, patience and understanding you can lessen their threat to marital harmony. By learning to cope with them, you’ll help your partner, yourself and your marriage.
reaching the outer limit
At times he wouldn’t speak to his wife or family for weeks. Alf had been spoilt as a child, and his family received the dividend for that indulgence. But even though Alf held strong spiritual and ethical beliefs, he would neither confront this personal weakness, nor, and more to the point, be confronted.
Sometimes Alf would be upset by small things, of which his wife and family would often remain ignorant, knowing only that they’d somehow tipped him into a dark mood, for which they would be punished by his isolating himself and refusal to communicate. Away from them, he was OK, and functioned quite
successfully at work and socially.
Alf’s wife, thus trained to yield, was manipulated into an apology she didn’t owe, placating Alf for injury she hadn’t inflicted. Keeping a positive relationship was difficult as love was smothered by gloom.
Alf’s condition was the result of a lifetime of having his own way, not a depressive psychological condition, although in the end it was to affect his children that way.
“Sometimes drastic action is necessary—a confrontation—to help all parties,” said his daughter, who calls herself a victim. “I put up with it for 48 years. Eventually I did confront him and forced him to ‘do the right thing.’ I don’t think it’s good to always turn the other cheek. He behaved like a child; he needed to be treated like one and be aware that it was he who needed to change. Humouring and appeasement does have its limit. “
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