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Signs of the Times Australia / NZ edition — lifestyle, health, relationships, culture, spirituality, people — published since 1886 |
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Q: I grew up in a military family, so the army has always been my life. Sometimes I’m away from home for weeks or months at a time. My wife doesn’t always know where I am, and often I’m not able to regularly contact her. When I do phone, she’s often so upset about not hearing from me that we end up fighting. I can’t understand how she can be angry when I am serving my country and doing my duty.
A: This must be perplexing. From your point of view, it seems unreasonable that your wife should react so. Yet, to understand the situation and, indeed, to make things better, you need to see things from her perspective.
First, think about these questions: Did she, too, grow up in a military home? Does she understand the need for absences without communication? Did she know when she married you that your job would take you away so often? Perhaps she wasn’t prepared for the sacrifices required of an Army wife.
Second, I suggest you spend time reflecting on the situation from her point of view, so as to come to an understanding of what your wife is experiencing, then express that understanding as best you can when next you are together.
On that occasion, however, first give her the opportunity to vent her frustration and anger with the system. Listen to what she has to say without trying to defend yourself or your job. Try to catch the underlying feeling she’s trying to express. Is she lonely when you’re gone? Does she feel unsafe at home? Is it difficult for her to cope with financial or maintenance matters? Are there children she feels she’s raising on her own?
Just listen, putting yourself in her position. Chances are that if she feels you’ve really heard her, she’ll be in a better position to discuss the issues constructively. If you then state your understanding of her point of view, you’ll be a long way toward resolving the problem.
Practically, perhaps you can set in place a support system for her. Is there a family member whom she can consult when decisions have to be made when you’re not available? Is there a neighbour who could help with crises around the house? Does your wife have the support of other Army wives?
The situation can be resolved if you both work toward a solution. Anger with each other or at the situation will not help.
Extract from Signs of the Times, June 2004.
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