Your Five-minute Communication Seminar

A marriage can be saved by simply following these first principles, says Kim Peckham.

Let’s review the principles of good communication. “Wait!” I hear you saying. “I’m not interested in the principles of communication. I picked up this column so I could read jokes about your wife’s shoes.”

First of all, let me say that shoes are no laughing matter. They are a beautiful and indispensable part of civilised life. The next time you step into the rest room at the Gas-n-Go servo, remember it’s the noble shoe that places itself between you and the truly frightening forms of bacteria that are breeding on the floor. I’m not ashamed to say that there have been times when shoes have caused my eyes to well up with tears. (Though that’s usually when I see how much they add to our Coles Myer card.)

My primary point is that without communication, our relationships will fail, and we will be left feeling very alone. So let’s get to those important communication principles.

Principle 1: Timing is everything. Let’s say you’re at a gala awards dinner with your husband. If you notice that he has spinach on his teeth, he will appreciate your communicating that fact. But he will appreciate it even more if you tell him before he gets up to speak.

Principle 2: Clearly express your feelings. Women, when you communicate with the hairier sex, do not choose the path of subtlety and gentle suggestion.
My wife tried subtlety with me once. We were finishing up late at the office, and as we drove out of the parking lot, she asked what sounded to me—poor, ignorant fool—like a simple question. “Shall we skip going to the dry cleaner tonight?”
“Oh, I don’t mind,” I replied. “Might as well get it over with.” I steered the family Honda in the direction of the dry cleaning emporium.
Lori was shocked and offended. “Why are you going to the dry cleaner?” she demanded. She thought she had made it abundantly clear that she would rather be trapped in a cage full of ferrets than go to the dry cleaner.
“Dear,” I said, “next time you have a preference, why don’t you hide it in an acrostic puzzle? Then I’ll have a chance of figuring it out.”

Principle 3: Use mirroring to become a better listener. Mirroring is when you repeat back to your partner what you think they’re saying. This shows that you’re paying attention—instead of thinking about a new hairstyle—and gives your partner a chance to correct any misunderstandings. Here’s how it works:

Husband: “Please, oh please, no. I’ll do anything else. I’ll put in that rock garden you want. I’ll remove my unsightly nose hairs with a pair of pliers. Just please, please, don’t make me go.”
Wife: “I hear you saying that you don’t want to take me antiquing.”
Husband: “Thanks for understanding, dear.”
Wife: “You’re welcome. Get your keys.”

Principle 4: Use “I” statements. When you express your feelings, you should always use “I” statements instead of “you” statements. “You” statements can sound judgmental.
Let’s say you have a teenager who doesn’t clean up their room. How should you approach the subject?

Wrong: “You never clean your room. You have totally ruined my chances of having our home featured in Architectural Digest.”
Correct: “I feel that I would like to see your room cleaned up in 30 minutes, or I will take your car keys and put them someplace where you will never find them without taking scuba lessons.”

OK, that’s all we have time for today. But keep working on those communication skills. It’s the best way we have to share truth, compassion and love—which, like shoes, are beautiful and indispensable parts of civilised life.

Reprinted, with permission, from Women of Spirit.

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