Staying Happy after the Wedding
My husband married me knowing I wasn’t much on housework. When we both worked, I cooked and he cleaned at the end of a hard day. But his attitude changed once I became a stay-at-home mum. Now he just complains about the mess. It’s become an issue. He feels our home is my work and should be kept neat. Why do I feel this is unfair?”
That sad lament was written to Dennie Hughes, relationship columnist for Weekend magazine. The issue is indicative of the reality that married life isn’t always smooth sailing. When two people become engaged, marry and set up a common household, there “will be differences of perception, expectation, attitude, opinion and feeling. The fine art of making a marriage involves managing those differences creatively and effectively so that the marriage continues to be a source of mutual satisfaction, energy and love.”
Following are a nine ways to remain happy as a couple after the wedding:
1. Cultivate the
ability to compromise.
Marriages thrive when both partners are willing to be flexible. That may be one reason why the apostle Paul advised us to “submit to one another out of reverence for Christ” (Ephesians 5:21). Rather than draw a line in the sand, successful couples know how to practise compromise.
In fact, that’s the suggestion Dennie Hughes made to the woman who wrote, “Marriage is a compromise situation.” She further advised the woman share her feelings with her husband and then brainstorm ideas to reach a happier middle ground. “For example: your husband wants to relax in a clean living room after work. You sympathise, then (because he referred to the home as your “office”) remind him that by the time he comes home, you’ve been on the job all day with household errands and caring for your child. The plan: Share the “overtime.” You cook; he washes the dishes. You make his relaxation area clutter-free while he bathes the baby and gets him ready for bed.”
2. Routinely express love.
The story is told of a dairy farmer married to a woman for 25 years. After feeding the cows and completing his early morning jobs, he returned to the house for breakfast only to discover his wife had not prepared the meal as she had done every each morning for those 25 years. The man found her crying in their bedroom.
“What’s the matter?” he asked.
“I’m feeling sad because when we were dating, you told me you loved me. Now you never say that.”
“Look, I married you 25 years ago and told you then that I loved you. If anything had changed since then, I would’ve told you!”
While there may be some humour in the story, the greater truth is this: Love dies because it cannot endure indifference.
Relationships flourish and expand when they’re filled with daily expressions of love and affection. Try not to let a day go by without expressing these kinds of sentences to your mate: “I love you. I love you the way you are. I love you and I especially love the way you smile, laugh, persevere, work with kids and bring people together.”
3. Be a better listener.
Even if you consider yourself a good listener, routinely work at improving that skill. Faulty communication has destroyed many relationships. Here are some specific strategies for being a better listener: Offer your undivided attention. Put yourself in your partner’s shoes. Interpret the meaning behind the words. Listen with love. Evaluate the information rather than judging your mate. Respond in a way that shows you value your partner’s point of view.
And when listening, keep in mind these words of Paul: “Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves” (Philippians 2:3).
4. Share sorrow.
Under the law of Moses, a newly married man had a specific responsibility to “bring happiness to the wife he has married” (Deuteronomy 24:5). But it’s an excellent obligation for both husband and wife. Be especially receptive and sensitive when your mate is experiencing hardship. Set everything else aside in your life and be there to listen, to share and to care.
Journalist Sue Kidd recalls: “Once when I was going through a difficult time, my husband touched his finger to the tears winding down my face, then touched his wet finger to his own cheek. His gesture spoke volumes to me. It said: ‘Your tears run down my face, too. Your suffering aches inside my heart as well. I share your wounded place.’”
5. Establish and maintain
rituals that promote closeness.
Consider this example. A couple are both busy professionals with three children who are involved in a number of after-school activities; the couple meet twice a week for an hour just to enjoy afternoon tea together. “We find it renewing to our relationship to follow this ritual,” the wife explained. “We both look forward to these ‘dates’ and consider this ‘couple time’ invaluable. During those two sessions, we never try to solve family problems, discuss finances, debate issues or figure out who’s driving the kids to their soccer game. Doing that would kill it. We understand that our goal is simply to relax, connect and enjoy each other.”
6. Apologise, apologise, apologise.
Acknowledge your flaws and respond to your human imperfections by apologising. A sincere “I’m sorry” keeps a relationship free of emotional clutter, which can accumulate, blocking friendship and intimacy. Couples who are quick to apologise to each other create the ability to live in the present and unrestricted by the past. Of course, when your mate does offer an apology, be quick to accept it too.
One reason people find it hard to apologise could be the fact that too often apologies are poorly received. In their book Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff in Love, authors Richard and Kristine Carlson tell of sitting in a coffee shop and overhearing a woman tearfully tell her husband she was sorry her work had been so consuming. Apparently she’d been travelling a great deal, spending a lot of time away from their children. She was fully aware of the toll her absence was taking on the family. “Rather than hug her, hold her hand, or even reassure his wife, the husband gave her a disapproving look that seemed to make her heart sink. It appeared that he was trying to make her feel even more guilty than she already felt,” the authors noted.
Sadly, the husband was remiss in seizing that moment to continue a loving communication and strengthen rather than further weaken the relationship, “An apology gives couples an excellent opportunity to deepen their love and commitment. . . . So the next time your spouse offers an apology, soften your edges and open your heart,” they advise.
7. Say “please” and “thank you.”
Simple courtesies strengthen and deepen any relationship. Remember to use the words please and thank you frequently: “Thank you for filling my car with petrol”; “Please call the dentist for me”; “Thank you for putting the garbage out”; “Please pick up some vegetables on your way home.”
Using “please” and “thank you” ensure that neither partner is taking the other for granted. Those courtesies also show respect toward the person you love and remove any sense of bossing each other around. “Nothing is ever lost by courtesy,” noted writer Erastus Wiman. “It is the cheapest of pleasures; costs nothing and conveys much. It pleases him who gives and him who receives, and thus, like mercy, it is twice blessed.”
8. Depart and reunite
with loving gestures.
That advice is offered by Daphne Rose Kingnia, author of True Love: How To Make Your Relationship Sweeter, Deeper, and More Passionate. She writes: “If you are going away on a business trip, don’t just pack your bags and disappear. Be sure to take your loved one into your arms and say that you’ll miss him or her. When you walk in the door, put down your briefcase and stop to kiss your partner. And if you’re home first, don’t just lie on the couch glued to the TV, without so much as a word of hello. Stop what you’re doing, make contact, kiss, embrace, look into one another’s eyes, take in each other’s soul.”
9. Expect some struggles
but deal with them.
When Jon and Dolores Vinson celebrated their 50th anniversary, the couple was featured in their city newspaper. In the story, the Vinsons made it clear they didn’t reach the half-century without some struggles. “To write an article about me and the wife and say we didn’t have problems would not be realistic,” Mr Vinson said. However, they did say that whenever they hit a rough patch “we just sat down and thrashed it out.” Advising other couples, Mrs Vinson says: “I really just say, Don’t quit trying—communicate—work at it. Don’t let disagreements fester. Say, ‘You know, we’re going to make this thing work.’ It’s so valuable and precious, when you do make it work, you’re really glad you did.”
String these nine things together, and you too can expect 50 years of happy, rewarding and passionate life together with your partner.
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