Romance At Work

In an age of PC (and sexual harassment litigation), the workplace may not be the best place to begin a romance, warns Glenis Lindley.

Should you tell your best friend that their husband (or wife) is having an affair? It’s a dilemma that often faces people. The topic, not surprisingly, can lead to some very emotional and conflicting discussions and opinions, as there is a tendency to shy away from getting involved in another’s personal life.

Many affairs begin in the workplace and most don’t have happy endings. Close friends and colleagues are divided on the issue of “dobbing,” protecting the innocent party, and the effect it will have on staff morale and business productivity.

Office romances, as such, unfortunately are commonplace and part of modern life, as we spend more time with people we work with than with anyone else in our lives—husband, wife and children included. As time passes, it is natural to develop strong relationships with coworkers, but that doesn’t mean they have to be illicit, entering into an extramarital relationship to satisfy a need for the pleasure of infidelity. (If only office romances could be restricted to unattached singles!)

I’m neither a psychologist nor psychiatrist—just an adult raised to believe in the permanency of marriage vows and to respect the ethical obligation to resist temptation. In your working life, because of close working associations and bonds, it’s highly likely you’ll meet someone to whom you’re attracted, but as adults—and it’s what distinguishes us from adolescents—we should have control over our emotions, our feelings and, ultimately, our love and intimacy.

If you remember that cheating is a choice—it’s neither inevitable nor compulsory—there would be fewer broken hearts and broken marriages. But to “just say no” sometimes requires God’s help.

Many marriages are the result of friendships begun in the workplace or started because of work-related interests, with 46 per cent of women and 62 per cent of men meeting their partners at work.

Not that there’s anything wrong with that! Nobel Prize winners Pierre and Marie Curie, who worked together on radioactivity, later married. Microsoft’s Bill Gates met his wife, Melinda French, while she was an employee.

In most places of employment, to avoid harassment suits and squabbling, there are usually guidelines concerning relationships. But there aren’t rules or legislation prohibiting employees from dating (how difficult would they be to enforce?), nor are there laws prohibiting married men and women from becoming intimately involved with others. And while God’s commands concerning property and honesty, in the workplace, are usually scrupulously observed, his prohibition against adultery (Exodus 20:14) is often ignored.

While we live in a culture of equal opportunity in which women are keen to emulate their male counterparts, they do stray less. According to a poll conducted by the Gewis Institute in Germany, five out of 10 women have had an affair as opposed to six-in-10 men.

But the poll revealed an interesting attitude among women. Their affairs are often used as revenge on unfaithful partners. Male affairs are often about sex alone, while for women, it’s more likely to be about seeking love. When a person feels isolated or lacks intimacy, it’s easy to find it in a workmate or associate who’s always there.

A workplace romance that leads to marriage has advantages, but workplace romances where one (or both) parties are already committed to other partners can have disastrous consequences.

What motivates men or women to risk destroying their marriage and a happy family life, especially when there are children? History records countless affairs between men (usually) of power and influence and people who work with them or for them. The men are usually high achievers, accustomed to getting what they want, and thrive on power, both in work and over women. (On the other hand, there are also women who enjoy seducing men of power.)

Consensual liaisons in the corridors of power are common in political circles—presidents, politicians and royalty are infamous in this regard. John Profumo (Christine Keeler), John Major (Edwina Currie), John F Kennedy (Marilyn Monroe et al), Bill Clinton (Monica Lewinsky) and Prince Charles (Camilla Parker-Bowles) are the most publicised.

But in the homes of “average” citizens, it also happens. More than half of all marriages in Australia ends in divorce, and the rate of failure of second-time marriages is even greater.
n There are other risks for those contemplating illicit workplace relationships that also have quite severe sanctions, and which should give pause. Sexual harassment, as defined by The Human Rights Council, is any “unwelcome conduct of a sexual nature that detrimentally affects the work environment or leads to adverse job-related consequences for the victims of the harassment.”
Unwelcome behaviours include inappropriate touching, which itself covers a host of unwanted physical contact. However, it isn’t limited to touching. According to HREOC (Human Rights and Equal Opportunity Commission) other forms of inappropriate actions include offensive jokes; remarks or gestures of a sexual nature; the display of offensive material, for example, cartoons or pictures; offensive communications, including phone calls, emails and SMSs; sex-based remarks, even teasing; any form of sexual comment used to make a person feel humiliated or intimidated; and, asking sexual favours.

A 2000 survey in For Me magazine revealed that the most common forms of sexual “harassment” to be suggestive comments (68 per cent), unwanted touching (64 per cent), and ogling (48 per cent).

In reality, sexual harassment isn’t so easily defined and fine lines exist between courting and the development of legitimate relationships for one couple and what might constitute harassment for another. It isn’t sexual harassment if the workplace relationship is based on mutual attraction, friendship and respect, and if any interaction is consensual and reciprocated.

It is a requirement of larger employers, government departments and schools that they have related policies to provide protection from harassment, especially from management to their juniors, and those in their care.

Last year the Australian Government launched a package of materials on sexual harassment, which included results from a national telephone survey. Shamefully, it revealed that more than one-in-four Australian women aged 18 to 64—28 per cent, compared to 7 per cent of men—report being sexually harassed, with two-thirds of the offences occurring in the workplace. During 2002-03 around 230,000 Australians claimed to have experienced harassment at work.

The Federal Sex Discrimination Commissioner also launched guidelines for employers stating their obligations for preventing and eliminating sexual harassment. This Code of Practice for Employers clearly explains their liability and how to take reasonable steps to prevent this problem occurring in their establishment.

Ironically, ultimate responsibility for ensuring that an appropriate relationship (in this sense, sexual) is welcomed and reciprocated rests with management, not employees. And for any who become involved with “the boss,” the risks are greater for both parties. Many sexual harassment suits are lodged at the termination of a workplace romance, not during.
The office Christmas party, with free booze on tap, when inhibitions and company rules are forgotten in an alcoholic haze, has great potential for disaster. A recent case involved an Australian lawyer who received more than $1million after a senior executive (while allegedly drunk at a Christmas lunch) harassed her, saying she had a “great cleavage” (and other crude words) then grabbed her. Surprisingly, after her complaint, she was isolated and given the “cold shoulder” by colleagues. She was left anxious, depressed and emotional.

Another problem arises when females use bad language. While it may be “acceptable” coming from a male, when it comes from a woman, it’s often interpreted differently by males. Such innocuous cliches as “staying abreast of things,” “scaring the pants off” (a male), or putting “a project to bed,” may be construed as suggestive come-ons.

n Office ethics are always under scrutiny, especially in respect to interpersonal relationships. The questions arise, should an office romance be open? Or is it better kept a secret? Obviously there can be no rule for maintaining congenial and legitimate workplace relationships, but if a person is to also perform in their job, office politics must be considered.

But anyone who dates the boss, sleeps with a married coworker, gets involved with a subordinate or harasses their peers is really in need of professional help—or another job—for the pitfalls are many and severe, and the consequences irreversible.

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