How To Be A Cool Friend
It sounded straightforward enough. After all, I’d read in the area. Get into the minds of teens and find out what they think about friendships. I thought I already knew. After all, I like to think I’m not all that far removed from adolescence myself, and still connected.
I began writing the question in my head before ever I’d started to type: Teens would want friends to be loyal and trustworthy. Of course, teens would want someone to be there for them in times of need. And so on.
But, if this were to be adequate, I would need to talk with real teens.
I went looking for teens to support to my already-scripted hypothesis, straight to the trenches of teenhood expression—an English class. I was ready for anything—brutal, honest truth, stories of friendships gained and lost, and tears and joy. After all, teens love to communicate, especially to older, complete strangers. Right? Actually, yes, as I was to discover.
what teens say
Q1: What is your definition of being a “good friend”?
As I expected, many of the teens talked about the importance of loyalty. They stressed the fact that a good friend should be there in times of need, as in times of fun. “A good friend is someone who’s willing to go through hard times with you,” says Shaylea, 17. “They’d be trustworthy and caring, and never turn you down in times of need.”
Another important element of friendship is being in a non-judgmental relationship. Rachel, 16, comments, “Being a good friend is being someone you can feel free to be yourself with. There’s no critical judgment, no matter what the circumstances.”
Third, teens need their friends to be supportive. “A good friend is a good listener,” said Ted, 18.
What I didn’t anticipate is that for many teens, the level of expectation of their peers goes deep. “In my book, a friend should lend a hand selflessly, even when things go bad,” says Stacey, 17. “Brutal honesty is key. If you’re not able to tell the truth even when it hurts, you aren’t a true friend.”
Candace, 17, adds, “Being a good friend means putting them before yourself. A good friend means that if they are in danger, you’ll find the help they need.”
Q2: What’s the toughest problem you’ve had to help your friend through?
I was prepared for tough answers to this question, but the responses astounded me. Even my professional knowledge as a doctor didn’t prepare me for what came. Answers ranged from girl problems to family problems, then to things much more serious. “My friend was taking some scary drugs and had been attempting suicide,” related Stacey, 17. “One of my best friend’s father committed suicide, and it was a really hard time for her,” says Kyla, 16. Said Matt, 17, “One of my best friends got pregnant. I talked to her every night when I couldn’t see her, and helped her through it.” “One of my friends had a major drinking problem and she was going through pretty heavy depression,” says Michelle, 16. Alizah, 14, tells about her friend: “She was dealing with her mother being in and out of her life. It made her very sad, because she loved her mum, and at the same time was angry at her. My friend started cutting herself because she thought that was the best way to cope with the pain.”
The stories are too many to relate but suffice it to say: Teens must deal with real, serious and adult life issues.
Which led to my next question . . .
Q3: If you were helping a friend with a very serious problem such as drugs, alcohol or suicide, what would you do?
Responses fell into three groups, First, those who felt equipped to handle the problem themselves. Ashley, 18, for instance, said, “I would talk to my friend and comfort her or him and tell them that it will be OK, and if they needed to talk, I would be there for them.” The second group would keep the code of silence. Stacey, 17, said, “You should keep those secrets between you and your friend. If you think that your counsel will help, keep it under wraps, because your friend will end up doing something even worse if they know you ratted them out.” The majority, however, believed that helping a friend should be a stepwise process, starting with them and leading to higher authorities, if needed. Shaylea responds, “First I would try to understand and talk to my friend. Then I would talk to some kind of an adult who would be able to help with the situation. Most people think if you’re truly their friend, you would keep it a secret. It’s not true. If you are truly their friend, you would do something and get help. In the long run, they would be grateful for what you did.”
It was clear in their answers, however, that this scenario poses serious ethical conflicts, as Laura, 16, observed. “These are hard situations, and it’s almost impossible to make it a win-win situation for everyone. You want to keep your friend happy and not mad at you. At the same time, you love them enough to know what is best for them and that they may need to change their behaviour, so it’s really hard.”
Q4: If you were going through serious problems, what would you want your friend to do?
Here I was posing the flipside of question three to see if the answers would be consistent. When it came to being the “helped” rather than the “helper,” the solutions didn’t seem quite so clear. Shaylea, again, “I would tell them that I don’t want anyone to know and they can’t tell. What I would really be hoping inside is that they can somehow help me. If that meant they would have to tell someone, then so be it. It would just be wanting someone to care and be there for me while I’m having troubles.”
In fact the majority conceded they couldn’t deal with difficult problems without help. Michelle, again: “I’d want my friend to help me by telling someone because I don’t think I could tell anyone myself. I’d probably be too scared.”
what it all means
What can you make of these short stories? First, these are tales of your average teen who is struggling with the normal tasks of adolescence. As psychological theorists such as Erickson and Piaget tell us, the teen years are a time of building individual identity. Teens do this by measuring themselves against their peer group (much more so than their family) for decisions that involve current status and identity needs. These particular teens are no different. And this is why friends and relationships are so vitally important—perhaps more important in adolescence than in any other time of their lives.
These friendships build identity now that helps pave the way for successful (or not so successful) adult relationships.
Second, the stories of these teens underscore the fact that today’s adolescents are dealing with real adult situations. Not only are they going through puberty, with all the physical and emotional changes that are a normal part of adolescence, but they are dealing with more psychosocial issues, such as family stress, divorce, drugs, alcohol and suicide. And so are their friends.
Not only do they need each other more—they need strategies to cope with the problems and specific positive ways to help each other and themselves out of what can become life-and-death challenges.
So, what did I learn from this assignment?
First, never assume you know the answer to a question until you ask it. I learned much about the intricacies of friendship in adolescence, and had clearly sold them short by presuming to know what they would say.
Second, I’m amazed at the depth of insight of these teens. Their responses underscored their perceptive and loyal nature toward their friendships at a level I had not anticipated.
Third, I clearly underestimated the challenges facing teens of today, and continue to be amazed at their resilience. Their perseverance and tenacity is truly an inspiration to me.
Last of all, I discovered that I’m a few years further from my teen years than I’d thought.
*Jill Genobega is author of a popular book for adolescent girls, Teen Girl! What I Want to Know Without Asking, published by Signs Publishing Company.
too hot to handle . . .
How can I tell if a friend’s problem is too much for me to handle?
A general rule is, if the problem your friend is dealing with puts him or her or someone else in danger, it’s time to involve an adult.
Here’s just a few examples:
- Your friend tells you she has been sexually abused by her stepfather.
- Your friend tells you he has been binge drinking at parties but just figures it’s part of being a teenager and he doesn’t have a problem.
- Your friend tells you she has been throwing up consistently and thinks she may have an eating disorder.
- Your friend tells you she drove home from a party after having a few drinks.
- Your friend tells you he has been feeling really sad lately and can’t seem to stop thinking about killing himself.
Remember, these problems could have permanent consequences that can be harmful, so it’s important to involve an adult. That might be a teacher, counsellor, psychologist, minister or parent. Their training or experience usually gives them insight into a situation. Don’t be afraid that adults will be judgmental—really, they’re there to help you.
rate yourself as a friend
I can be trusted to not talk behind my friend’s back.
I can be trusted to keep a secret that my friend tells me in confidence.
I know that I must tell an adult if my friend is doing something that puts themselves or someone else in danger.
I tell my friend the truth, even if it isn’t comfortable for me.
I treat my friend with respect.
I am not jealous of my friend; rather, I celebrate their unique talents and accomplishments.
I am always there if my friend needs to talk.
I stick up for my friend, even when other people are badmouthing them.
I know how to apologise to my friend when I am wrong.
I can be trusted not to take advantage of my friend.
Count up your ticks:
9+ You are a great friend and this sounds like a good, healthy
relationship.
6-8 You could improve your friendship skills.
0-5 You need to re-evaluate your definition of how friends treat each other.
what can I do as a parent?
1. Recognise that your teen is facing problems you may never have had to face with your peers at that age. Don’t be shocked about the serious nature of some of these issues, such as suicide, drugs, alcohol or depression. The more open you are, the more likely your teen will confide in you.
2. Be open to the fact that your teen is torn about solutions to problems with his or her friends. It is a difficult thing to decide the best course of action when dealing with a friend. Your teen wants to keep loyalty to their friend, but is at the same time searching for a solution.
3. Keep an open dialogue with your teen. The more you can talk with your teen, even about everyday, inconsequential things, the more comfortable the dialogue will be about the more serious matters.
4. Give your teen strategies to cope with helping a friend through a problem. Underscore the fact that friends in danger need more help than your teen is equipped to give and suggest specific adults your teen could use as resources for help.
| This is an extract from June 2005
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