Pathway to Wholeness
It’s my intention to one day be whole, living my life with passion—a passion that flows from deep within. My goal is to face life without fear, to make decisions and choices—choices that are healthy for both me and others—from a base of love and compassion. Those goals still elude me.
What blocks my path to wholeness is pain— pain that constantly intrudes into my life, the pain of being abused as a child. The never-ending why questions attempt to force their way into my mind and heart. Regularly I’m confronted with behaviour that is the result of deep, penetrating pain and the need to protect myself—the need to survive.
starting the journey
I am journeying toward wholeness one step at a time, learning to be the woman, the mother, and the contributing member to society that God created me to be. How? Following are some of the stepping stones along my journey to wholeness, self-acceptance and peace.
First, is my stepping stone of patience—patience with myself. It appears that some victims of abuse cope better than others, healing and readily moving forward. For me, I found it was important that I value “who I am” at every point along my pathway, recognising that each person has their own journey, their own path of healing and personal growth.
Comparing myself with others is dangerous, for comparisons can lead me to internal abuse, with feelings of unworthiness and inferiority, or to an illusion of superiority.
Next is the stepping stone of behaviour recognition and change. I need to remember and acknowledge that the way I learned to cope—the behaviours I chose during the abuse—were both vital and sane. My behaviour meant my survival—physical, emotional, mental and spiritual. I’ve learned that my behaviours were normal responses to an abnormal experience. For example, I now have difficulty saying no to things that sometimes have unhealthy consequences for me. This comes from a childhood in which saying no to my abuser would have been dangerous.
I learned to be creative. My life revolved around designing my space and surroundings to protect myself, arranging situations in order that abuse would be impossible. I’ve carried this behaviour into adulthood, isolating myself rather than facing situations of conflict or issues or requests where my self-esteem and my emotional, physical and spiritual wellbeing may be challenged, damaged or overwhelmed. I avoid facing a situation head-on, fearing it will cause me irreparable harm.
It’s important for me to remember that I’m not a bad or unworthy person; it’s just that I’d learned behaviours that while appropriate in protecting me in childhood now damage me and my relationships with others. The adult “me” needs to discover and internalise new behaviours that are healthy, safe and appropriate for both me and those around me.
along the way
The stepping stone of developing a healthy internal dialogue is next. My internal dialogue is important to my mental and emotional health. Quality questions will give quality answers, which, in turn, determine the quality of my daily and long-term life.
Consider the different attitude and behaviours that result from the following different approaches to the same issue: Why did this abuse happen to me? and, Why is life so unfair to me?
Such self-pitying and introspective thinking is hard to escape, but an alternative way of looking at the same situation is to ask yourself, How can I use my horrible childhood experiences to enhance my life and the lives of others? Looking outward and upward helps you see a way to escape your past.
Reclaiming personal identity is an important stepping stone. Child abuse stripped me of much of my sense of personal identity. I lived in a world where much of what I believed in and valued was violated, stolen and disrespected. The ability to feel secure in setting boundaries and ensuring they were respected was severely damaged.
I questioned my right to protect myself and live by my own principles. This made me an easy target for bullies and abusers. Now I give careful consideration to the values I choose to live by and the boundaries that are healthy for me.
Each day I claim my right to live by my values, imprinting them in my heart and mind, so that they become integral to whom I am. They’ve assisted me in maintaining my resolve and integrity. When I’m confronted by a situation or person that erodes or who disrespects my values, I can now stand firm. Thus my sense of self is returning.
Developing a support network is a valuable step. Its members need to be carefully chosen. At times it’s been difficult to find trustworthy and sincere support, and my search as been accompanied by pain. Some poor choices made for more pain. I chose to persevere, however, and slowly a trustworthy network emerged.
One member is a psychologist versed in my area of trauma. This find was after consultation with several psychologists. Personal reading and research has been a rewarding self-support system. I’ve found invaluable help from support groups and a trusted friend.
My biggest step was making the choice to trust. I’ve discovered nonjudgmental ears, allowing me to express and explore how I am feeling, how I have been surviving and help in directing my focus to how I choose to feel and what life changes I choose to make. The support has helped keep me accountable for the changes I am choosing to action.
This led to the stepping stone of reality awareness. My supports give me reality checks: Are my fears normal and healthy for an adult, or are they the residue of my childhood? Together we identify behaviour that’s no longer appropriate, and replace them with healthy ones.
I still have days when I know the reality is that I’m just not “making it.” When hope of recovery vanishes, and I’m existing in a haze of confusion, pain and despair. On those occasions the sense of aloneness is overwhelming. To know there’s someone I can contact and share those feelings with means the difference between life and death, or at least between regression and hanging on.
I claim the stepping stone of the right to be an adult. A lot of fear is ignited because part of me sees things through the eyes of a child. I’m confronted with situations that cause me to feel and behave like the little girl who was unable to keep herself safe.
Recently—and it was appropriate and healthy for me—I was able to confront one of my abusers. This helped me reframe how I perceive threatening situations. My images and memories were of a helpless child at the mercy of a strong, powerful adult. In the confrontation, I became the adult. My former abuser, now old and frail, was no longer a threat, having no control over me. When threatened now, I see myself as an adult with the ability to act as one, possessing the resources and choice to be safe.
Forgiveness is a major stepping stone toward recovery.
I first of all had to forgive myself for the mistakes I’ve made as a result of abuse. Some only served to further my pain. So it is important that I’m both tender and tough on myself. I need to be tender and compassionate when I fall, when I just don’t reach that next stepping stone. I need to be tough to keep on my journey when I could so easily give up.
Then there’s forgiveness toward the perpetrators of my abuse, a stepping stone I am currently negotiating. I needed to apply the same principles of forgiveness toward my perpetrators as I apply to myself.
For reasons only known to God, the perpetrators have made mistakes and choices that have had horrific consequences for others. I believe that forgiving my perpetrators gives the opportunity to free both myself and them from the bondage of abuse.
Moving toward wholeness is possible when I acknowledge what occurred to me. Forgiveness opens the door on opportunity for the perpetrator to emerge from secrecy, acknowledge their wrongdoings and choose a healthier path. Perpetrators often remain unrepentant; however, the opportunity has been given and the victim is released. Forgiveness is an opportunity for healing for both parties.
the end of my path
Stepping across the stones is not always easy or fun. Some of the stones are a long way apart and it feels if I jump I will land in quicksand, instead of on solid ground. There are stones that are large and jagged, and the journey across them painful and exhausting.
At times the path makes no sense, and it feels like I am going the wrong way. I follow God’s admonition to trust in Him “with all [my] heart and lean not on [my] own understanding,” to “acknowledge him” in my life and to believe that He will “make [my] paths straight” (Proverbs 3:5).
I must not trust my own understanding, which is human, fallible and based on less-than-perfect experience. I am called to trust in the Lord with all my heart and He will lead me across the stones to wholeness in Him.
*A pseudonym, to protect the author.
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This is an extract from May 2005
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