Uncovering Loneliness
Times alone can be healing. But loneliness is devastating. Glenis Lindley offers some helpful words about the loneliness of the heart.
Over dinner with some friends, the conversation turned to loneliness, after a story was related about someone I’d heard mentioned, in a roundabout fashion.
This particular gentleman, a well-spoken and seemingly well-educated man who called himself Tony,* told us he was a pilot working for a national airline, living in an Australian capital city in a prestigious suburb.
For about 10 years, he’d visited a country town, attending a large annual sporting event.
There he stayed with the same family on a paying “homestay basis,” sharing meals and friendly, welcoming hospitality. He was well-liked, unassuming and told everyone how he thoroughly enjoyed his four-day sporting “break,” which he described as the love and passion of his life.
It therefore came as a complete shock to that family when the police arrived at their door, seeking information about Tony, who was in intensive hospital care and not expected to recover after a major medical problem.
To everyone’s surprise, it was revealed that Tony wasn’t a pilot. He lived a quiet, big-city solitary existence in a tiny rental flat in a less-than-desirable location. From official enquiries, it appeared he had no close family and few, if any, friends. His only love in life appeared to be his sporting interest, this being his only resemblance to and link with normality.
Unemployed, he apparently saved money from dole payments so he could make his yearly visit, where he felt accepted, and enjoyed the company of his “new family” and their friends.
Sadly, the full story behind Tony’s loneliness and reclusive lifestyle will likely never be known. But we can ask why people like Tony become socially disconnected—and why they live in a world of withdrawal and isolation.
I recalled a similar story about a young lady who was “besotted” with a well-known motor racing driver. She worked casually, her only aim to save sufficient money to travel to race meetings throughout Australia. There she stood, all alone, outside his pit garage, eager to catch a fleeting glimpse of her “hero.” Fortunately, some understanding people befriended her and arranged a meeting with the driver, plus a team shirt. As a result of this simple act of kindness and compassion, she now blends into the more-conventional mould of “fan” and not “fanatic!”
In due course, our dinner discussion turned to the difference between actually being lonely and being a “loner.”
Our conclusions—that most lonely people aren’t lonely through choice, as compared to “loners”—was backed up by further research. Not everyone is a Greta Garbo, the actress famous for her words, “I want to be alone.”
For normally adjusted individuals, long-term loneliness rarely enters the equation—but we all have times when we feel lonely because of circumstances beyond our control. Perhaps there are even periods when we choose to be alone. These are generally pleasurable, with a purpose designed to create positive results.
Loneliness—“an emotional state in which a person experiences a powerful feeling of emptiness and isolation”1— has been well documented and written about through the centuries, by authors, poets and songwriters. Even the Beatles were aware of the impact this particular psychological disorder has on people.
Think about the words from Eleanor Rigby: “Eleanor Rigby died in the church. And was buried along with her name. Nobody came.
All the lonely people, Where do they all come from? Where do they all belong?”
In “She’s Leaving Home,” John Lennon and Paul McCartney also penned the lyrics: “Leaving the note that she hoped would say more. She goes free She’s leaving home after living alone for so many years.”
Similar themes were expressed by other popular artists, often expressing their own hidden loneliness.
Karen and Richard Carpenter sang: “Loneliness is such a sad affair.” Tragically for Karen, it seems she was singing exactly what she felt, as she starved herself to death, feeling unloved and lonely.
Sadly, we usually sing along with these popular songs without a thought about the sadness and consequences of loneliness. Many books have been written about this complicated subject, almost impossible to define because of variable symptoms. The Bible is one of the best books ever written about overcoming loneliness, which afflicts millions of people worldwide.
Anyone who lacks social or communication skills involving meaningful interaction or ability to connect with people, comes under the “blanket”
of being lonely.2 These individuals may feel alone, rejected or alienated.
Researchers think loneliness may result from insufficient bonding and love in childhood. Others believe lonely people think about nothing else—they possess a deep sense of emptiness and feel miserable, unhappy, painfully hollow, inadequate or emotionally detached.
Thousands of scientific studies and articles in psychology journals have been written on loneliness but to the average person, a big factor is being single, losing a loved one or not feeling accepted.3 Loneliness can be caused by any socially disruptive event, such as moving to another town, city or country; changing jobs or schools; and having to make new friends. Divorce or death of a long-term partner can also trigger a grief response that is difficult to overcome.
Learning to accept and move on from those unhappy life experiences is essential but fraught with uncertainty and self-doubt. People are often too embarrassed or self-conscious to express their feelings to others for fear of ridicule.
Another aspect of loneliness is often reported in newspapers. Frequently, elderly folk are discovered in their homes days, weeks, even months after their lonely death. The question that begs to be asked is, “Why do they have no friends or family members who care?”
Why is it, in crowded cities, people become so alone and unloved? Yes, we come into the world alone—but should we ultimately die alone?
On a positive note, research shows that marriage is associated with decreased levels of loneliness,4 while medical studies suggest that those who are socially isolated report poor sleep quality, may suffer from depression, have a suicide risk, are susceptible to alcoholism and may suffer increased medical problems, including heart disease and blood pressure.5 So how do we, as individuals, overcome perpetual loneliness?
The lonelier you feel, the harder it is to break the cycle. Some turn to technology, like phones or the internet, but these can create even more problems.
There’s no substitute for personal communication and face-to-face interaction.
A “warm and fuzzy” treatment for loneliness is pet therapy—animal companions like dogs, cats and birds are used to ease feelings of loneliness, depression and boredom in nursingretirement communities.6 In our own homes, we too can love our pets and respond to their unquestioning faithfulness.
There’s nothing quite like the magic of a dog’s wagging tail to make a person feel good. It’s easy to see why dogs deserve the tag mMan’s best friend!”
Overcoming the anxiety of loneliness can also be achieved through the powers of God. No matter how you feel, God will always be with you (see Hebrews 13:5). The emptiness in our hearts can be filled by God, who recognised that “it is not good for the man to be alone” (Genesis 2:18).
Many people are victims of loneliness.
But thinking on this issue should help us realise the importance of welcoming strangers and creating places where love, friendship and acceptance are offered unconditionally.
Perhaps we can make a difference to someone else’s loneliness. As one unknown source has put it, “We are most of us very lonely in this world; you who have any who love you, cling to them and thank God.”
1. Definition from Wikipedia, the free encyclopaedia.
2. Medscape General Medicine.
3. Some listings include: J M Burger, “Research in Personality”; S Gordon, “Lonely in America”; P M Keith, “Family Relations (Isolation of the unmarried in later life)”; R W Larson, “Developmental Review: The solitary side of life)”; D L Trout, “Life Threatening Behaviour (The role of social isolation in suicide).”
4. Steven Stack , “Marriage, Family and Loneliness,”
Wayne State University (USA).
5. Framington Heart Study (US, 2005) and University of Chicago study (2006).
6. Odean Cusack and Elaine Smith, “Pets and the Elderley: The Therapeutic Bond.”
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Articles of interest:
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This is an extract from December 2007
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